Anger Management
For Bad Relationships

Are you caught in the "blame game?" Do you think the problem is all the other person's fault? If so, you're not alone. Blaming others is natural when you're hurt, afraid and angry. Problem is, it just doesn't work, and only leads to more bad relationships!

Okay, that's all well and good, but who's fault is it, anyway?!? Uhhh...wrong question.

The right question is, "Who is responsible?" Is it 50-50? Not quite. Here's how it works:

• The other person is 100% responsible for his/her actions and emotions. If you are in an abusive relationship, you are not at all responsible for what the other person does to you.
• You are, however, 100% responsible for your actions, reactions and emotions.
• That makes you 100% responsible for yourself in your bad relationships!
• Here's the good news! Since you're 100% responsible for your actions and reactions, you're also free to change!
• And, I encourage you to take responsibility and exercise your freedom to change!

Whoever you're having trouble with, be ready to take responsibility for your part. You can't fix anybody else, and you will only get more angry if you try! When you take responsibility you also get freedom--freedom to change yourself and your bad relationships into good ones.

By the way--do you have a bad relationship story or question? Tell your story or ask your question here! And if you need it, get some divorce advice here.

If you are being physically, sexually or emotionally abused, then you are in an abusive relationship. This is also true if you are a victim of verbal abuse, which can certainly create bad relationships. You need to take action now to insure your own safety, and your children if you have any.

How to deal with anger in marriage and intimate relationships:

• How to forgive and let go of anger
• Anger management in marriage
• How to solve marriage problems
• Healthy roles in marriage
• How to create a healthy sexual relationship
• Great relationship advice

How to deal with teens and childrens' anger:

• Child anger management
• Why children have anger management problems
• Teen anger management
• Help for teens to deal with their own anger and their friends' anger
• How to understand and prevent bullying

Body language, counseling and anger in the workplace:

• Nonverbal communication skills for managing other people's anger
• Anger Management Counseling
• Anger in the workplace

Conflict resolution skills are a must in dealing with bad relationships of all kinds. Give them a try with your spouse, partner, friend or co-worker, and see how well it works in parenting teenagers.

One of the main causes for anger in bad relationships is jealousy. You don't have to be a victim to the "green-eyed monster" Overcoming jealousy is simply a matter of learning to love yourself.

Remember, this is a tool, and the more you use it the more success you will have--the more you will turn your bad relationships into good ones!

The Speaker--this is the first person to speak, which is usually the one with "the issue."

1. Forming a Positive Connection: I want to talk to you in this way because (I love you, our relationship is important to me, etc.)
2. Sharing Your Perception: When I perceive you as. . .(angry, ignoring me, criticizing me, etc.) or... When you (are late, leave your clothes out, etc.)
3. Your Feeling Response: I feel . . .(angry, hurt, frustrated, etc.)
4. Your Behavior: So I respond by . . .(arguing, yelling, withdrawing, not talking to you, etc.)
5. Your Underlying Fear: My fear when these things happen is . . .(of being rejected, abandoned, shamed, violated, etc.)
6. The History of Your Feelings: The way this relates to my childhood emotional experience is . . . (describe related emotional experiences from your earliest memories before this relationship)
7. Your Request: What I really want from you is . . . (state the specific behavior you would like from your partner)

The Responder--this is the other person in the dialogue.

1. Reflective Listening: To the best of your ability, repeat the exact words of your partner with respect and concern. (What I hear you saying is...If I'm hearing you correctly...)
2. Showing Empathy and Validation: Accept the validity of your partner's feelings regardless of whether you agree with them. (When I put myself in your shoes, I can see why you would feel that way.)
3. Expressing Understanding: Indicate understanding of what your partner is experiencing. (I think I can see where you're coming from. I see what you mean.)
4. Showing Support: Express appreciation for your partner's openness. (I appreciate you telling me how you feel. Thanks for being open with me.)
5. Your Response to the Request: Be honest about what you actually think you can do, set timelines, etc. ( In response to your request, I think I can... What I would like to do in response to your request is...)

Guidelines for the Speaker

• Use a calm, pleasant voice; avoid raising your voice.
• Sit back comfortably in your chair with your arms and legs uncrossed.
• Breathe deeply into your abdomen. This will help you to remain calm and keep your voice tone pleasant.
• Your primary goal is to express yourself with kindness and respect, while maintaining your power in your anger management relationship.
• You are taking responsibility for your feelings and reactions, while letting your partner know what happened and how it affected you.

Guidelines for the Responder

• Wait patiently while the other is talking to you. Listen attentively because you will be asked to repeat what your partner has said when he/she has finished to be sure you understand correctly.
• Look at your partner while he/she is talking to you.
• Don't interrupt while he/she is talking to you.
• As you listen, put yourself in the speaker's place. Set aside your agenda for a moment. How does he/she feel? What is his/her perspective? How does he/she experience you?
• If you are unclear or don't understand what the speaker has just said, ask him/her to repeat it. But remember not to comment or respond at this time to what is being said.

You might want to practice these skills with a friend or an anger management relationship counselor to hone your skills and "work out the kinks" before trying it with the person you're in conflict with. The main thing to remember is that you can do this! You have the good heart and integrity to turn all of your bad relationships into fantastic relationships. If your bad relationships are so bad they have to end, you might want to get some good divorce advice about letting go of a relationship.

A big part of anger management in marriage is simply dealing with stress in an effective way. Learn more about dealing with marital stress and relationship quotes here.

Another great resource for conflict resolution is Conflict Coaching and Consulting, PLLC. This site also offers anger management assessments and classes, videos and other great help and information.

Do you have a bad relationship with someone you're intimate with--or want to be? Learn about anger and intimacy here!

Have A Great Story Or Question
About Anger Management?

Whether it's shocking, funny or infuriating, we'd like to hear your stories and questions about anger management.

You have questions or stories to tell, or you wouldn't be on this site. If you'd like some help, you can get help here. You may feel helped just by writing!

Also, other visitors might be able to help with their comments, stories and questions. Sometimes I (Dr. DeFoore here) offer comments, and I try to answer most of the questions.

Click below to see contributions from other visitors to this page...

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