Anger Management
For Bad Relationships

Who's angry? Is it you? Your husband? Your wife? Your kids? A co-worker? Who's fault is it?

Are you caught in the "blame game?" Do you think the problem is all the other person's fault? Well, if so you're not alone. Blaming others is a natural response when you're hurt, afraid and angry. The only thing is, it just doesn't work, and it only leads to more bad relationships!

Okay, that's all well and good, but who's fault is it, anyway?!? Uhhh...wrong question.

The right question is, "Who is responsible?" Is it 50-50? Not quite. Here's how it works:

• The other person is 100% responsible for his/her actions and emotions.
• You are 100% responsible for your actions and emotions.
• That makes you both 100% responsible for your bad relationships!
• Here's the good news! Since you're 100% responsible for your actions and reactions, you're also free to change!
• And, I encourage you to take responsibility and exercise your freedom to change!

Whoever you're having trouble with, be ready to take responsibility for your part. You can't fix anybody else, and you will only get more angry if you try! When you take responsibility you also get freedom--freedom to change yourself and your bad relationships into good ones.

Here's where you can learn more about:

• How to forgive and let go of anger
• Anger management in marriage
• Healthy Roles in Marriage
• How to create a healthy sexual relationship
• Child anger management
• Why children have anger management problems
• Teen anger management
• Help for teens to deal with their own anger and their friends' anger
• How to understand and prevent school violence
• Nonverbal communication skills for managing other people's anger
• Anger Management for Parents
• Anger Management Counseling
• Anger in the workplace

Conflict resolution skills are essential to dealing with bad relationships of all kinds. These skills are easy to read and understand, yet to master them requires consistent dedicated practice. Many individuals and couples need anger management counseling to successfully learn and master these skills. Give them a try with your spouse, partner, friend, co-worker or teenage son or daughter, and see how it works. Remember, this is a tool, and the more you use it the better you more success you will have--the more you will turn your bad relationships into good ones!

The Speaker--this is the first person to speak, which is usually the one with "the issue."

1. Forming a Positive Connection: I want to talk to you in this way because…(I love you, our relationship is important to me, etc.)
2. Sharing Your Perception: When I perceive you as. . .(angry, ignoring me, criticizing me, etc.) or... When you…(are late, leave your clothes out, etc.)
3. Your Feeling Response: I feel . . .(angry, hurt, frustrated, etc.)
4. Your Behavior: So I respond by . . .(arguing, yelling, withdrawing, not talking to you, etc.)
5. Your Underlying Fear: My fear when these things happen is . . .(of being rejected, abandoned, shamed, violated, etc.)
6. The History of Your Feelings: The way this relates to my childhood emotional experience is . . . (describe related emotional experiences from your earliest memories before this relationship)
7. Your Request: What I really want from you is . . . (state the specific behavior you would like from your partner)

The Responder--this is the other person in the dialogue.

1. Reflective Listening: To the best of your ability, repeat the exact words of your partner with respect and concern. (“What I hear you saying is . . .” “If I’m hearing you correctly…”)
2. Showing Empathy and Validation: Accept the validity of your partner’s feelings regardless of whether you agree with them. (“When I put myself in your shoes, I can see why you would feel that way.”)
3. Expressing Understanding: Indicate understanding of what your partner is experiencing. (“I think I can see where you’re coming from.” “I see what you mean.”)
4. Showing Support: Express appreciation for your partner’s openness. (“I appreciate you telling me how you feel.” “Thanks for being open with me.”)
5. Your Response to the Request: Be honest about what you actually think you can do, set timelines, etc. ( “In response to your request, I think I can…” “What I would like to do in response to your request is…” )

Guidelines for the Speaker

• Use a calm, pleasant voice; avoid raising your voice.
• Sit back comfortably in your chair with your arms and legs uncrossed.
• Breathe deeply into your abdomen. This will help you to remain calm and keep your voice tone pleasant.
• Your primary goal is to express yourself with kindness and respect, while maintaining your power in your anger management relationship.
• You are taking responsibility for your feelings and reactions, while letting your partner know what happened and how it affected you.

Guidelines for the Responder

• Wait patiently while the other is talking to you. Listen attentively because you will be asked to repeat what your partner has said when he/she has finished to be sure you understand correctly.
• Look at your partner while he/she is talking to you.
• Don’t interrupt while he/she is talking to you.
• As you listen, put yourself in the speaker’s place. Set aside your agenda for a moment. How does he/she feel? What is his/her perspective? How does he/she experience you?
• If you are unclear or don’t understand what the speaker has just said, ask him/her to repeat it. But remember not to comment or respond at this time to what is being said.

You might want to practice these skills with a friend or an anger management relationship counselor to hone your skills and "work out the kinks" before trying it with the person you're in conflict with. The main thing to remember is that you can do this! You have the good heart and integrity to turn all of your bad relationships into fantastic relationships.