Child Anger Management
A Complete Guide for Parents, Teachers and Caregivers

You can help your child with their anger in three ways:

• Find out why they're angry
• Make the changes you need to make in your own thoughts and feelings
• Teach the child what they need to know to manage and express their anger in healthy ways

let's take this a little further...

Here are three things you must do in order to help with anger management in children:

1. Have empathy for the child--once you find out why the child is angry, you will have a better understanding of their viewpoint, and you'll be able to have empathy for them. Empathy is absolutely necessary if you're going to provide child anger management for child stress problems!
2. Take responsibility for your part of the process. As a mom, dad, teacher or caregiver, you are very powerful in this child's life, whether you realize it or not! To provide good child anger management, you have to look at what you're bringing to the table--in other words, are you helping or hurting? You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't want to help, so let's make sure that happens!
3. Give the child the knowledge and skills they need to understand, manage and express--not only their anger, but all of their emotions! Keep in mind that if you haven't done 1. and 2., you won't succeed with this one!

Learn about why children develop problems with child anger management, how to stop bullying and how to understand and prevent school violence.

Child Anger Management Techniques

• This is where you acknowledge the child's anger without punishing or rewarding it. Say something like, "Wow! I can see that you are really angry right now. I'm sure you have good reasons to be angry. Your anger seems really strong to me. It's okay with me for you to be angry, and I want to help you express it so nobody gets hurt — including you." In these and other words, communicate the idea that There's nothing wrong with feeling anger, the important thing is what you do with it. This is a key point for healthy child anger management.
• Practice reflective listening. Repeat back to the child what you hear her saying in a non-judgmental, soothing tone. This provides a comforting effect, and lets the child know he's being heard. Start with phrases like,"So what I hear you saying is..." or "So you're saying..." or "Now, let me see if I'm getting this right..." The key to success here is to use their words, without putting "your spin" on it.
• Express empathy and understanding. This is simply a matter of imagining yourself in the child's position, and attempting to see things from his viewpoint. For this important child anger management technique,use phrases like, "When I put myself in your shoes, I can see why you would feel that way," or "From where you stand, it looks like ..." or "I think I see what you mean" or "That makes sense to me."
• Avoid teaching, correcting or instructing while your child is angry. When anger is strong, children just don't want you to tell them anything. They want you to hear and understand them. Only when the child starts to calm down and relax, you may want to share some of your own similar struggles or experiences. This is not the time for discipline. That comes when both you and the child are calm. That way the child gets the clear message that it is not their emotion that is being disciplined, it is their behavior.

What to do

• Get down on the same eye-level with the child, so that you are not talking down to them in any way. Healthy child anger management always includes respect.
• Depending on how upset they are, either get face-to-face with them or move to their side so that you are facing the same direction. If you feel that they need the eye contact, then face-to-face is better. If you sense that they need to feel that you are "on their side", then side-by-side is better, giving the non-verbal message that, "We're in this together. I'm going in the same direction as you, not opposing you." Learn more about nonverbal communication skills in managing someones else's anger.
• Touch is very important--meaning at times touch is exactly what's needed, and other times it will only make things worse. This is where you need to really trust yourself as to the best choice. Sometimes a hand on the shoulder is very mild and comforting, and the child may not even know it's happening. Sometimes a nice hug is exactly what's needed for successful child anger management.
• Keep a relaxed, neutral facial expression. A slight smile while you're reassuring the child can also help to put them at ease. Do not underestimate the power of your facial expression. If you look worried, afraid or angry, that facial expression will completely override what you are saying. Communication studies have revealed that only 7% of the message communicated is verbal--leaving 93% in the realm of non-verbal communication.
• Use a comforting, calming voice tone. If this is difficult for you, practice with a friend or a recording device until you can successfully speak in a soothing manner.
• If your child is small enough, you might want to try holding her during her anger episode. This has been found to be highly effective in many cases. It provides loving, powerful and safe boundaries when the child is feeling out of control. The message is, "I'm here. I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to hurt you, and I won't let you hurt yourself or anyone else. I'm going to hold you until you feel safe again." Here are some recommendations to make this child anger management procedure safe and successful:
• If you are extremely afraid or angry yourself, do not try this technique. Your emotions will feed the child's anger and fear and make the situation worse.
• If you feel comfortable doing so, hold the child from behind, ideally with him sitting in your lap. Protect your face in case he tosses his head back toward you. The goal is for no one to get hurt.
• You need to feel and communicate both love and power in your embrace. Strong but not too strong, relaxed but not too relaxed. This lets the child know you are in charge, that you love her and can and will protect her.
• Be ready and willing to devote some time to this. If you don't complete the process, you may do more harm than good. Hold the child, and wait until he calms down and relaxes. Often he might cry or even fall asleep as the anger subsides.
• When you use this child anger management technique, you are communicating love, acceptance, safety, protection and power all at the same time.

What to have the child do--In some cases, the child may need to release anger physically. You can accomplish this in a number of ways:

• Supervised play with toys, or play therapy in a professional setting is very effective in helping with child anger management. The violence that occurs between the toy characters is non-destructive, and is very informative to the therapist and/or the parent who is observing. This can also include drawing pictures, or throwing clay against a wall or board where no harm is done.
• Hitting pillows or a mattress with a harmless object such as a nerf bat or bataca bat. You can do this in a playful manner, and the child will still receive benefit. In therapy, I often call it "the anger game", so that children feel safe in approaching the activity.
• Children may sometimes benefit from the "temper tantrum technique" described in Parents should use their own judgment as to when it is necessary to contract for the services of a professional for this type of exercise.
• One of the best parents I know told me that he had his children use the "Name it, claim it, aim it" child anger management technique for dealing with their anger. In other words he taught them to put a name on their feeling, take responsibility for it, and direct it into some kind of release or constructive activity. An example might go something like, "I'm angry and sad, Daddy," (naming and claiming it) "and I want you to help me talk to Bobby about taking my things" (aiming it). This is an excellent approach, and I highly recommend that parents use this and any other guidelines they run across that help them to teach their children to manage and express their emotions in healthy ways.

• Keep a child from "going bad"
• Save a child (and those around him/her) from a lifetime of hardship and suffering
• Save a child's life
• Save someone else's life
• Champion a new leader, artist, business person or contributor to the beauty and success of our world

I encourage you to keep up the good work, and don't let anything stop you in your efforts to help the children in your life!