Adolescent Anger Management
Methods and Techniques for Teens, Parents and Caregivers

Let's get right to it. Start by watching this anger management video of Dr. DeFoore speaking at Cooper Aerobics Center in Dallas.

Here are some adolescent anger management techniques that you can use immediately:

What to say

• A good thing to say to an angry teen is,"Wow! I can see that you are really angry right now. I'm sure you have good reasons to be angry. Your anger seems really strong to me. It's okay for you to be angry, I just want to help you deal with it so nobody gets hurt — including you." In these and other words, you're sending the message that, "There's nothing wrong with feeling anger, the important thing is what you do with it." This type of acknowledgment and recognition of the emotion of anger is absolutely necessary in successful adolescent anger management.



• Practice reflective listening. Reflective listening is more than just listening. The reflection part means you repeat back to the teen what you hear them saying in a non-judgmental, soothing tone. This provides a comforting effect, and lets the teen know they're being heard. Here's how you do it: Start with phrases like,"So what I hear you saying is..." or "So you're saying..." then say exactly what you heard them saying. Stick with their words and references, using as little interpretation and as few of your own words as possible. You must show total respect to the teen for this to work. The slightest hint of sarcasm, cynicism, judgment or insincerity will completely defeat your purpose in any adolescent anger management effort.
• Express empathy and understanding. This is simply a matter of imagining yourself in the adolescent's position, and attempting to see things from his viewpoint. Use phrases like, "When I put myself in your shoes, I can see why you would feel that way," or "From where you stand, it looks like ..." or "I think I see what you mean" or "That makes sense to me." Keep in mind that you do this reflective listening and empathy even if and especially if you don't agree with or like what the teen is saying! These are the two most important parts of adolescent anger management!
• Avoid teaching, correcting or instructing while your child is angry. When you are successful with reflective listening and empathy, the adolescent will usually start to calm down. Then, and only then--and only occasionally--you may want to share some of your own similar struggles or experiences. Pay attention to the teen, and only speak when you feel certain they are listening and open to what you have to say. Otherwise, you're wasting your breath and probably widening the gap between you. Parent discipline needs to be kept separate from this kind of communication, and administered when both you and the child are calm. That way the teen gets the clear message that it is not their emotion that is being disciplined, it is their behavior.

What to do

• Listen. When you listen, you are sending the powerful nonverbal message to the teen that, "What you think and feel matters to me. I may not agree or like what you say, but I'm willing to listen and consider your viewpoint." The bottom line here is that if you listen to them, they will listen to you! This is one of the best ways you can help with teen anger management. It's been found that teens who engage in school violence often are not communicating with their parents, so this could actually be life saving in some cases. Use an open, friendly posture so that the teen knows you really want to understand. If you want more help with nonverbal communication skills for adolescent anger management, read this!
• Claim your authority. It is important that you let the teen know that you are in charge of the situation. Adolescents will often try to claim more power than is good for them. You're not doing them any favors by giving them more power than they can handle. Adolescents actually feel more secure when their parents are in charge than they do when they're allowed to take over. It's scary for a teenager to be more powerful than the adults around her/him.
• If you are physically afraid of your son or daughter or the adolescent in your care, get some help from a family member, friend or a counselor. Do not let your teen control you or your household with their anger. When adolescent anger management situations get completely out of your control, you may need to call the police, although you should only do this as a last ditch effort when all else has failed--or when there are life-threatening circumstances. As drastic as this is, it is better than allowing your son or daughter to become a tyrant and inimidate you and/or your family. If you think an adolescent might be a bully, or a victim of bullying, go here.

• Mention that you know some techniques they can use on their own if they're interested. If the teen seems open to trying some things on their own, tell them about these adolescent anger management techniques.
• In some cases, the teen may be willing to release anger physically. You can accomplish this in a number of different exercises, for example: Hitting pillows or a mattress with a harmless object such as a nerf bat or tennis racket.

• Some teens may also benefit from the "temper tantrum technique" described in this book on anger. Parents should use their own judgment as to when it is necessary to contract for the services of a professional for this type of adolescent anger management exercise.
• One of the best parents I know told me that he had his daughters use the "Name it, Claim it, Aim it" technique for dealing with anger. In other words he taught them to put a name on their feeling, take responsibility for it, and direct it into some kind of release or constructive activity. An example might go something like, "I'm angry and sad, Daddy," (naming and claiming it) "and I want you to help me talk to Bobby about taking my things" (aiming it). This is an excellent approach, and I highly recommend that parents use this and any other guidelines they run across that help them to teach their children to manage and express their emotions in healthy ways.

Are you having trouble letting go? One of the most challenging aspects of parenting is the process of letting them grow up and encouraging them to do so. This means you "lose your child," which is totally accurate! Your teen is not a child, and your job is to help her/him become an adult. You might be facing the empty nest at this point, which means you have some grieving to do. Learn all about the stages of grief here, and make sure you don't interfere with your adolescent's development into adulthood!