I May Have Screwed Up My Relationship
Okay, so I have had a bad temper for a lot of my life, the sort where you get extremely angry for very little things. But for about 4 years it has been kept to a stage where I haven't hurt anyone.
So I have been with this girl for about 2 and a half months now. I really care for her, and up until now we have been very happy. But recently I made a big mistake.
It started when these girls were calling her names. I just ignored it for a while, but then she said something that got me extremely angry. I got out of my chair very forcefully, and stared at the one who started it straight in the eye, but before anything happened, I walked away.
I was extremely angry, as I get very protective when people call the ones I care about names. So I walked away, and talked to my girlfriend about it. Then they came around the corner, mocking me and teasing me. I decided to walk away again, and I sat down again to just let my anger pass.
But they followed me, and mocked me even more. I was stuck in this one place, when I just snapped. I lost it. I got up very forcefully again and yelled at them at the top of my lungs, telling them to piss off, pushing them away.
I scared myself, as well as my girlfriend. Now she is scared that I may do this again, scared that I my hurt her without meaning it.
What do I do? I have told her that I would never do that, but she still seems edgy. I don't want to lose her because I care for her very, very much.
Do I leave her alone? What do I do? I also want to get help for my anger. I scared her. I didn't want that to happen. I don't want this to happen to her again. Not her.Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello David, and thanks for telling your story here. I get a strong feeling from your story that you really want to change. There's just one thing...you have to do it for yourself, not your girlfriend.
I know that's tricky, but that's the only way it will work, long-term. Changing for other people is always temporary, and it depends on them, not you. You have to decide that you're worth having a good life and good relationships, which you won't have if that type of anger continues.
I think if you follow all of the recommendations on this FAQ page
, you will start feeling some relief and improvement. These are tools, and like any tools, the more you use them the better your skills will be, and the better they will work for you. These methods will help you get to the underlying cause behind your anger, to make lasting change.
Believe in yourself, David, and the good person you are inside. That's where lasting change comes from.
My very best to you,
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