Anger, Love And Forgiveness

Anger, love and forgiveness are huge issues in our world, and maybe in your own home. You can learn to forgive, but you may well have to learn how to release and express your anger in healthy ways first! If you make anger the "bad guy," you just won't get to the true benefits of forgiveness. Anger has to be fully understood and released before you get to move on to the freedom of total forgiveness. Love and forgiveness have to be fully understood before you can let go of resentments and be emotionally whole and free.

It all starts with love. We are born with the need to love and be loved, and no one, even the best parents, can meet that need perfectly. Therefore we all feel hurt as a natural part of life. And of course, there are those hurts that are inflicted by abuse, abandonment and neglect, in some cases extreme.

From this pain, fear and anger naturally emerge. It makes perfect sense to be angry when you're hurt. Anger is an important place to visit, you just don't want to live there. Here is where love and forgiveness come in. Total forgiveness is the process of letting go of anger and resentment so that you can go on with your life. Love and forgiveness are for you, not for the forgiven. That is essential to understand.

Anger and forgiveness seem very different from each other, in the sense that anger involves an intense focus on the "wrongdoer," and forgiveness involves shifting focus off of that person and moving on with your life. Yet there are some ways that anger and forgiveness are the same.

Unhealthy anger and premature forgiveness both include:

• JudgmentThe "one-up" position
• Dishonoring to yourself

When you are angry at someone and blaming them, you are definitely judging them and putting yourself in a "one-up" position. The way you are dishonoring yourself here is that you are failing to look at your own creative responsibility in the situation. This is the hazard of the "blame game." When you are into blaming others for your feelings, situation or plight, you are making yourself a victim and denying your own power and responsibility.

Premature forgiveness is forgiving someone when you're not through being angry. You are still judging them, and therefore you're seeing yourself as "one-up." You are dishonoring yourself by pretending to forgive in your mind, when your heart and gut are still carrying anger and resentment. Total forgiveness is a matter of body, mind and spirit release and resolution, and it just can't be done if there is residual anger.

Here are some important truths to remember when you're angry:

• The other person is responsible for his/her actions that triggered your anger. You are not responsible for their behavior.
• You are responsible for your emotional reaction and for your actions that result from your emotional reaction. They are not responsible for your emotional reactions or your behavior that results.

Here are some other ways that anger, love and forgiveness are the same. When anger is healthy, and forgiveness is authentic, both involve:

• Love
• Power
• Release
• Letting go
• No more victim position
• Operating in a container of love

Both healthy anger and total forgiveness involve the power of healthy release and letting go, which takes you out of the victim position. This can only occur in a container of love and forgiveness. Anger can only be healthy when accompanied by some degree of wisdom and love, and the five stages of forgiveness can only be completed when they are based on love for yourself and/or another person.

Anger is the most misunderstood emotion. Most people just think it is bad. Here are some common misconceptions:

• Anger is a bad emotion and should always be controlled
• It is possible to be without anger completely
• It is wrong to be angry
• To be angry means to be out of control
• Anger is the same thing as aggression
• When a person is angry that means they are not safe to be around

These misconceptions result from the lack of understanding of healthy anger. Healthy anger is:

• A feeling you have when you're threatened or opposed
• A protective emotion
• Powerful energy that can be used for positive outcomes
• Fuel for effective action

Have you ever taken action about something that made you angry? Think about MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. They got mad, and took action in healthy, appropriate ways to resolve the problem leading to their pain and anger. There is no doubt that MADD has moved through the five stages of forgiveness. Here's the bottom line on healthy anger: healthy anger fuels effective action!

Total forgiveness is something that only your body can do. Surprised by that? Here's the deal. Anger and resentments are held in the body as well as the mind, and your mind can decide to forgive long before your body is ready. Literally, your body has a mind of its own. Here are some things to understand about forgiveness:

• Forgiveness is not just a decision that you can make in your mind.
• Forgiveness requires an emotional and physical release to be complete.
• Your body is capable of holding onto anger long after your mind thinks it has forgiven.
• Forgiveness does not absolve the wrongdoer--you don't have that kind of power.
• Withholding love and forgiveness does not hold the wrongdoer accountable--everyone is accountable whether you forgive or not.
• Forgiving doesn't mean you have decided that what the wrongdoer did is okay.
• You don't have to wait for the wrongdoer to change for you to forgive.
• You won't be able to forgive until you have fully examined the depth and extent of your wounds.
• You won't be able to forgive until you have acknowledged the full depths of your anger.
• Forgiveness is for you.
• Love and forgiveness are good for your health.
• Total forgiveness allows you to be more loving and joyful.

You will know that you have forgiven when your body is relaxed and your breathing is deep and easy.--while you visualize the wrongdoer and say, "I accept you for who you are, with all of your best and worst. I no longer need you to change. I forgive you for myself, so that I can be free. I forgive you so that I can let go of resentments and feel love and joy in my heart, mind and body."

Your body will tell you if love and forgiveness are complete.

The Five Stages of Forgiveness

1. Develop a clear understanding of the wrongdoing or harm that was done to you and who is reponsible. Be aware that the love and forgiveness you are looking for will also depend on you recognizing your own responsibility for what happened.
2. Identify and acknowledge all of your feelings in response to what happened, including pain, fear and anger primarily. Writing about these feelings can be extremely helpful for emotional healing.
3. Talk through these feelings with a trusted confidant--a good friend or trusted counselor.
4. Fully release all negative emotions, including anger, fear and sorrow. You must give full, complete and healthy expression to your anger to arrive at love and forgiveness.
5. Choose joy, peace and well being for yourself. Learn about Goodfinding and the power of optimism for creating and maintaining lasting health and happiness.

Visit Fear-Stands-In-My-Way.com to learn more about how to move from fear to love. This web site will also help you with expanding your self-awareness, your personal journey and dealing with parental grief.

Keep in mind that the five stages of forgiveness may require a lot of time, counseling and emotional healing. Each of the above stages might take as much as a few weeks or months each, depending on the depth of emotional pain that has been experienced. Just keep the faith, and know that you can find peace, love and forgiveness again!

Keys to Emotional Health and Freedom

• Take responsibility for your actions and emotions
• Do not accept blame for anything
• Place responsibility for others' actions and emotions on them
• Do not blame anybody for anything

Here are some thoughts to consider about love:

• Love can be intoxicating, and therefore can lead to unhealthy decisions
• The need to love and be loved is the most powerful force in human nature
• Love and forgiveness are a natural part of your spiritual essence
• Conditional love is not really love--it is more about control
• The only real love is unconditional love
• You will always remember those people in your life who have loved you unconditionally
• You are at your very best when you are experiencing unconditional love and total forgiveness

Life starts with love. Anger is an inevitable emotion, which can temporarily or permanently take us away from love and forgiveness. When we work through our anger, we can forgive. Total forgiveness is a return to love.

And the greatest of these is love.

Begin your journey toward total love and forgiveness with anger management counseling with Dr. DeFoore now.

And, don't miss this opportunity! There's no risk! We offer a full money-back satisfaction guarantee on this CD program!

Return to anger test, anger management seminars, techniques or tips.

Do You Have A Story
About Forgiveness?

Forgiving is something you do for yourself. The other person may or may not benefit, that's up to them. Tell your story here for your own benefit, and you might end up helping someone else also. Even if you're having trouble forgiving we want to hear your story!

Click below to see contributions from other visitors to this page...