Cheating Fiancee

by Nicole
(Louisiana)

I fell in love with this man. I gave him my heart. We started dating and then things got serious and we moved in with each other. After some time I noticed that he was staying out all night and would come home late. He would always have his phone on him like it was his shadow.

One day 2 girls showed up to our apartment, saying that one of them was his girlfriend. So I invited her in and we started talking. Next thing you know he came in the house and his mouth dropped. He kept telling me to go in the room and he was going to handle this. So I did what he asked which I feel now that I was stupid to do that. The girl left crying and time passed by and she was still calling his phone and showing up to our apartment.

To make a long story short, I caught him one day at her friend's apartment red handed. He didn't say anything but got in his car and then he called me. My sisters told me not to go meet him but I did. I loved him and this was the first time I ever had to go through this situation.

We broke up for a few days and got back together. He apologized, and of course I forgave him. After that, 2 months later, I found out that I was pregnant, and then I heard that she was pregnant. I started going to appointments and I noticed that we both had the same doctor.

This girl was crazy. She keyed my car. She keep coming by our house. She even tried to fight me while I was pregnant. Funny thing was we had the same due date. We were both having boys. I hated him for that. I took everything out on him. He tore my heart, and I'm still hurt. I would have given him the world if I could.

We are still together as of this day. He has been there to help me raise his son. He didn't go to the birth of his other son. He barely even sees his other son. Am I wrong for not telling him to see his son? Am I selfish? I don't even ask about the little boy. I don't think I can trust him so am I wrong for still being with him?

I love him so much, and I want us to get married one day. We argue everyday though. We have had bad fights and he has hit me and choked me. Am I dumb for staying with him? He has gotten better. Its been a year now and he is showing me that he only wants to be with me. He is always home with me and spending alot of time with me. I still blame him for my unhappiness. He has changed me--well, the situation has. I want to get past this hurt and move on. How can I forgive him truely? I love him and want to move on with our lives.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Nicole, and thanks for telling your story on this site. Something inside you is telling you that things are not right, or you would not have reached out for help on this site. You wouldn't be asking if you should stay with him if there wasn't some part of you thinking you should get out. Inside, you know that you are worthy of being treated with respect, and that's not what you're getting with this man.

You are stuck in a battered woman syndrome. Your symptoms are classic. Everything you say fits perfectly with that problem.

You say you love him so much, and you gave him your heart. The problem is that you love him more than you love yourself, and that never, ever works. If you don't take care of yourself, no one will--and he certainly is not. You say that he has hit you and choked you and cheated on you. You don't even need to be thinking about forgiveness, you need to think about getting help and getting yourself and your child into a safe situation.

You say you can't get past the hurt and move on--that's very good. Your inner wisdom and emotional intelligence is telling you not to let go of the hurt and anger, because you're not out of danger yet.

It doesn't matter that he has gotten better. Abusers almost always get better between abusive episodes. It's only a matter of time before he abuses you again, and then it will include your child most likely. The only way that you or anyone could ever be safe with this man is if he goes through long-term, intensive counseling with highly trained professionals and stays out of any kind of intimate relationship while he's in treatment.

You need to be apart from him. If you can't get yourself to do that, then find a battered women's shelter and go there and talk to the people there until you come up with a plan to get yourself and your child into a safe place.

You can't even begin an emotional healing process until you are in a safe situation, so I won't recommend any healing processes for you at this time. When you get yourself separated from this man, and you and your son are safe, write again and I will help you to begin your healing process.

My very best to you, Nicole

Dr. DeFoore

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