29 Year Old Adult Son With Extreme Anger Issues

by DJ
(USA)

My son has always had problems with self control and anger management. As his mom I suspected he was ADHD from a very young age-2 years. I would bring up my concerns to his pediatrician, but it was dismissed as being an active toddler, then preschooler, then just being a boy.

He was given an IEP evaluation in 2nd grade and again in 6th grade. Both times he tested with no learning disabilities and no ADHD. As his mom, I was happy to find he was "normal", but intuitively I knew he was not. Finally at age 14 with a private psychiatric evaluation, he was diagnosed as ADHD with numerous red flags.



He was put on ritalin, his grades soared to honor roll, he was easier to be with until at age 16 he took himself off the meds. He said it made him dull. Life then resumed to bad grades, explosive behavior. When he entered his senior year, he decided to resume taking his meds
to be able to study and prepare himself for college. When he went to college he stopped the meds. He has gone to 3 colleges, yet no degree.

He has a hard time with the task at hand and following through. He has had 4 serious relationships, all ending with anger, he is very controlling with extreme rage at times. If things aren't done his way there is always a problem. He is father to a 3 year old daughter, relationship #3.

He has gone to counseling with all his girlfriends, been put on meds. Time would be good for awhile, till he went off meds, then anger, hostility, rage. Basically he is very difficult to get along with 50% of the time, with extreme explosive behavior. The other 50% he is awesome. But when he is bad, it gets really nasty.




I think he has gotten worse, and I am afraid he will hurt someone badly. He has said some terrible things to his girlfriends, such as he wanted to go find other women just for sex. He has been arrested for pot 3x's, at 19, 21, and 24 and has been on probation. He has a bad driving record which has affected his employment.

He is a body builder and I am not sure if he takes steroids? It seems as though he is wired with anxiety and frustration.

My husband and I have been happily married for 35 years, both of us are stable with good careers. We have a 33 year old daughter, who is college educated, successful, married with a 1 year old in California.

I do not know where his anger stems from or why, especially since we have an extremely peaceful household and always have. He is currently living with us since his breakup, hopefully temporary. I try to talk to him, but he will not listen. Is there any advice you can give me?




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello DJ, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell that you love your son, and that you're very concerned about him.

It is time for you to let go of your son and his problems. The only way he will ever get better is if he takes total responsibility for his issues and gets help himself. You can't help him, except by doing the right thing for yourself.

First, it is absolutely essential that he moves out of your house. You need to shift your focus off his problems onto your own life. You can't help him, and any effort you make to do so will only add to his problems.

Let him go, and believe in him. Trust that he will eventually find his path to a better place. And let go, over and over.

This page on letting go of relationships and this one on tough love will help.

Talk to your husband about this, make this decision together with him.

The worst thing you can do to your son is to let him live in your home and be disrespectful to you. It sounds like you're more concerned about his problems than he is. That will never work.

Use these positive journaling exercises to shift your focus to the best in him and the best in your life.

You need to come first, then your marriage, then your son and the rest of your life.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Comments for 29 Year Old Adult Son With Extreme Anger Issues

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Sep 26, 2016
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Where Can My Son Go?
by: Anonymous

My son is 19 years old. He got accepted to seven colleges. He left home and stayed in a dorm. He got suspended from one college.

He came home and I tried to help him. I helped him get a therapist. I helped him get into a mentoring program. I helped him sign up for disability services from his new college. I had him sign up for DMH services.

His therapist stated he needed to be on medication but never referred him. I have called the police more than once on him. He is jumping into people faces trying to get into a fight. Exploding over the smallest thing.

I have a heart problem and can't keep dealing with this. He has to go, but where? I have no one who can take him.

He doesn't listen to people. He has so much potential,but is messing it all up. I also have a 14 year old and a 2 year old.

Sep 10, 2016
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Three Angry Young Adult Sons and Daughter
by: Anonymous

I have 3 children, ages 36, 34, and 34 (daughter and twin sons). Their bio dad left when the boys were 6 months old. I remarried a great guy when daughter was 4 and boys were 2. He adopted them.

We provided them with great home, church, school, everything. However, daughter got in drugs and we ended up with her kids for 2 years until her ex was able to take care of them. Sons with big, big anger issues starting in late teens.

One boy alcoholic and job-to-job, other in grad school but still angry with us. All have decided I was a narcissistic mother and the source of all their troubles. I have gone over every aspect of our lives, reviewed home videos, etc.

I was no perfect parent by far, but I don't think I deserve the constant cursing of me when they are angry at their personal situations. I receive constant phone calls littered with profanity over and over even when I give them money to get out of scrapes.

I am so very sad that they feel this way, and am so sorry that things have turned out this way. If I was narcissistic, I surely did not mean to be. God help us all, this is all so awful.

From Dr. DeFoore Please read the other posts, and my responses. You are still enabling your adult children by giving them money to "get out of scrapes." At some point, they need to be responsible for everything they do in life. Please read this page and the other comments, and make the decision to let these young adults go.

Sep 07, 2016
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I Finally Realize It's Time To Let Go
by: Daisy

Thank goodness I found this site. My 40 year old son has anger and drug issues and blames me for all of it. I have spent so much money bailing him out of his mess ups. But nothing changes.

I can't bear to look at him now and tonight I agreed to let him stay over because he's homeless again. Instead of gratitude of any sort I just get abuse and he rages so that I get too scared to speak.

He's leaving in the morning and after finding this site I know what I need to do now. LET HIM GO. We don't deserve this.

I wasn't a brilliant mother, his father walked out when a baby and I suffered with depression. But I've made up for it, explained it to him and tried to move on. He won't let me.

Every job he loses every crisis he has, is my fault. How long till he realizes the problem is him?

Sep 02, 2016
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Heart Broken In California
by: Anonymous

all these posts could have been written about my 36 year old son. My heart aches for all of you and my son too. His anger and abusive behaviour towards me started around age 12 and continues still. But my bigger concern is for my 5 year old grandson. My grandson’s mother left my son because of his anger and his being out of control.

Although I’m glad she didn’t take my grandson when she left I wonder how she can live with herself, leaving her don with a person with anger issues. The two of them are living with us and have been since January. My son bullies my grandson daily or screams and yells at him for the slightest things. When my grandson was 3 years old, my son bragged about bare-butt spanking him over not brushing his teeth.

I have tried to help, but my son's abusive behaviour towards my grandson accelerates. The only reason I haven't called the authorities is because I've personally been in the foster care system and don't see that as a good option for my grandson. My husband and I would gladly take over the responsibility for raising my grandson but my son would likely kill me or himself first.

When I talk about raising his son for him, he throws my being a terrible parent in my face and makes me feel inadequate, although I know I could do it and in a much more loving and compassionate way than he does.

I'm terrified my grandson will grow into a bully with anger issues too if something isn't done. Anyone have any suggestions? My heart is broken. My grandson is such a good and sweet little boy for now...

Aug 24, 2016
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To Serena - This May Be A Family Issue
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Serena

I've worked with adolescents and young adults for over 40 years, and I find that family therapy is always the best treatment. If you send him away I think that might actually make things worse. I encourage you to try to find an experienced family therapist that will work with your entire family.

The fact that his anger only shows up at home is a strong indication that this is indeed a family issue. It's not that your son doesn't have problems, he definitely does. The thing is, the family unit is the most powerful healing vehicle available to him.

I hope this helps.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Aug 24, 2016
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My Son Is 18 And His Anger Is Destroying The Family
by: Serena

Like the other stories my son suffers with ADHD and anger issues. He was never given an IEP since he was so smart. However in High School his grades declined as the courses got harder and there was more stress.

Now he will start a community college, and he’s living at home. He has gone to many therapists over the years and they all say he is a great person, which he can be. He can be a loving and very giving person. Then explosions always just happen at home.

He will hold it together and release all the negative energy and anger at home. Is he too young to have him live on his own and say deal with life yourself.

We are currently looking to see if there is some place he can live and learn living skills with counseling to help his anger issues.

Could this be bipolar? Could this be all just anger? How does a child who is brought up in a loving, happy environment develop so much hate and anger?

Jul 18, 2016
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25 Year Old Just Out Of Army
by: Trish

My 25 year old is the same person described by all of the other posts. I don't know why he's so angry all the time.

His normal voice is really loud and when he talks my blood pressure rises. He just left the army last week after 6 years and my house is already loud and in turmoil. He has guns here and I have a 10 year old son in my house also. My husband of 15 years (his stepfather) and I told him we don't want these guns in our house. He flipped out and said he'll be moving out because of this. I doubt he will because he has no job.

He's also applying for a CCW (permit to carry a concealed weapon), and will probably get it. That scares me. I'm not against guns, but he is so impulsive. I think something really bad could happen.

Can a doctor prescribe something to calm his anger? How can I get him to see one? Can I contact someone to not allow his CCW to be approved? He already signed up for the Army Reserves though, and I don't know if being unapproved for a CCW will hinder his career in the Reserves.

Any advice is welcome.

Jul 17, 2016
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To the author of "My 24 Year Old..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. While I know you are amazed and baffled by your situation, it is unfortunately quite familiar to me as a counselor, and as the owner/manager of this site.

If you read the other comments and stories of parents here, you'll find basically the same story being told over and over.

The adult children are abusive and disrespectful and ungrateful, despite all of the generosity and sacrifice from the parent(s).

Why is this? Is it because all of these young adults are bad, or mentally ill? I don't think so.

No doubt, they do indeed have problems...but so do the parents.

When you do for someone what he can and should be doing for himself, he might just turn on you, as your son has. It's not the most attractive aspect of human behavior, but it exists.

While I can not predict the future, if I had to guess, I'd guess that your son will get worse until something happens so that he moves out and starts to live on his own.

This is your call, and no one can make it for you. When you allow someone to abuse you as he does, you're basically sending the unspoken message that you give him permission to abuse and use you. And, you're not doing him any favors by continuing to allow him to abuse his own father with impunity.

I wish you the very best as you move toward the best decision for you and your son.

Dr. DeFoore

Jul 15, 2016
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My 24 Year Old Is Abusive And Ungrateful
by: Anonymous

I have had my son alone since he was six. Things were great until he went to high school. By his second year he found weed and girls. He stopped trying in school and started running with the very wrong people.

And soon the anger started, he was smashing walls, breaking doors and throwing things around the house. After high school he wanted to move to California to become a rap star. In his first month there his best friend stole his computer and he was flat broke. In his second month he had wrecked his car and I had to go out there and rent him a small place to live. He never once tried to get a job.

I was close to retiring so I had no choice but to move out to California and support him. He still gets very angry and refers to me as a piece of crap, daily. He has punched me in the head so hard that I am sure it will take years off my life. Even with that I still tried to believe he could change.

I now work in Alaska and he lives at the house in California. He has filled it with 3 dogs, 3 cats and a bird. He pays nothing for their care and never cares for them. This past November he found a check for $45,000 from my bank and cashed it. It broke my heart to think that after all I have done for him, he would do that to me. I got the money back and did not throw him out.

But it is every day give me, give me, give me. He is filthy in the house and always unpleasant. My greatest fear is that he will do something crazy with the guns that he owns. He has been a great disappointment to me.

Recently my birthday passed and the kid could not even say happy birthday Dad, as I swept up the glass from the pictures he smashed.

Jul 06, 2016
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We Need To Support One Another
by: Anonymous

It really pains us so much to be parents of dysfunctional angry grown children. No one will know the hurt and anguish we endure, except another parent experiencing the same heartaches.

We blame ourselves too many times. We try to figure out what went wrong. We give unconditional love and support (emotional and financial), yet we are treated with hostility time after time.

It is my hope that this forum will give us a place to voice our concerns and to support one another.

Jul 04, 2016
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To "Oregon Rain"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm so glad you find the site to be helpful. You have made a very painful and difficult decision, but it sounds like it was the right one, under the circumstances you describe.

Keep the faith, and stay true to what you feel is right, good, and healthy.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jul 04, 2016
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My Son Seems To Hate Me
by: Oregon Rain

This site has helped me so much. My adult son, an alcohol abuser, blames me for everything. Never mentions good things, always negative. Very rude, hurtful, fault finding, on and on. I took it for 20 years and just recently told him I can't stand it anymore.

I know I have to let him go and pray he gets the help I was not able to give him. He's married but the marriage is in trouble. They have a new baby and I hoped that would soften him. I gave them a lot of financial help, physical help, and love. I was always there for them when they needed me. For what?

He remains abusive and angry toward me. He has problems at work and in other areas of his life due to this anger. He's very smart and talented but is killing himself with alcohol and cigarettes. My once sweet little boy is a monster now. I pray all the time and now I have found this site. Thank you!

Jun 20, 2016
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Eye Opening - From The Author Of This Story
by: Anonymous

First I want to say that I was researching anger issues with grown children when I came across this post. Upon reading it, I said "oh my gosh, this sounds like my son!"

As I read through the entire post. I realized it is my son! I had written this probably close to 6 years ago.

Update...not good! My son is now 34 years old. His daughter is now 9. He has an 18 month old daughter and a 5 month old son with a very caustic person. Their relationship has been turbulent. The woman who is mother to his 2 babies is a narcissist manipulator sociopath.

At this particular time he has separated from her and she is beyond angry that he has "abandoned her and her babies."

Their relationship is a cause for destruction and both are to blame. My son was staying with us for a couple of weeks till he became confrontational and accusing me of being disrespectful and being a bully. At that point I told him to leave my home. He said he had nowhere to go. I told him that he is 34, time to figure it out. I would not allow him to treat me with hostility.

I wish I could say his life is better from my last post. Unfortunately it has not improved and has gotten worse. Now there are 3 children. Both mothers of his children are dysfunctional. I honestly only wanted the very best for him, but at this point I know there is nothing more I can do. His choices are up to him. Love him.

Jun 10, 2016
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A Hard Pill to Swallow
by: Leslie

My goal was to help my 24 year old son get back on his feet after 4 years in the Navy. I wanted him to not have to worry about many of the burdens of life while he got through college and found a job.

As it turns out, the fits of anger and range occurred at least once a week. I couldn't ask him to help with anything. I doubted he even went to school. He didn't work and he was disrespectful.

After 2 yrs. I asked him to leave and he did...in a fit of rage. Once gone I realized how much I did for him and how much he didn't care. He also destroyed most of my home that I worked so hard for.

It was a hard pill to swallow letting him go, but I realize now, he didn't appreciate me or anything I did for him.

Jun 02, 2016
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Thank You For This Page!
by: Anonymous

Thank you for writing this! This is my 28 year old to a "T" except thank God he has no children. I agree with the answer....we have to let go and let them do what they're going to do. If it ends badly? It's not our fault, it's his. Good luck.

May 15, 2016
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In Pain Too
by: Ree

Sounds exactly like what we're going through. My nerves are always on edge. God bless all of us!

Apr 24, 2016
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You Are Not Alone
by: Mother in pain

This is so tough. It's very difficult to find counselors or support groups for this type of problem. I have kicked my son out twice and then he ends up on my doorstep...and I let him back in. Honestly after a couple of weeks I forget about the extent of abuse and destruction.

Apr 17, 2016
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Response to Jojo
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello Jojo - The problem you're having is that you are seeing your son as handicapped because of his problems. He is an adult, and as long as you see him as limited, he will stay angry and abusive, and will continue to fail.

The only chance he has to succeed is if you get him out of your home. Then it's up to him to make it or not. Believe in your son, and his ability to get his life together.

If he continues to make bad choices, there is unfortunately nothing you can do about that. He will most likely continue to decline as long as he is living with you.

It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to take the necessary action.

Read about tough love, and trust yourself to do the right thing.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Apr 17, 2016
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Angry 25 Year Old Son With No Driver's License
by: Jojo

I can relate to having a son that lives with you that's been in jail, that's been on drugs, that drinks, and is on probation for several more months. He has no driver’s license because it was taken away and he can't get one for several months.

His anger is intolerable. He yells, screams and cusses at us. We can't question him on anything or question him on something he's done at our house or else he goes into a rage.

My question is, what do you do when your child doesn't have a driver’s license or anywhere to go. How do you kick somebody out that's got no place to live and no way to get to work? We feel like prisoners in our own home.

Feb 16, 2016
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To the author of "27 Year Old Son Is Ruining..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello - You feel helpless, but you're not helpless. Since he is your wife's biological son, you need to run this past her, but it would appear that calling the police and reporting the violent threats would be your next best step.

Think of it this way...if a total stranger came into your home and did the things your step son is doing, what would you do? Obviously, you would call the police. By not doing the same regarding your step son, you are giving him an unrealistic picture of the real world.

I know this is harsh, but allowing him to live in your home and intimidate you and your wife is totally unacceptable. He needs to feel the bite of reality...what happens when an adult threatens violence toward another adult. This is a matter for public authorities.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Feb 15, 2016
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27 Year Old Son Is Ruining Our Lives
by: Anonymous

I have similar issues. My step son is extremely abusive to my wife calling her things I wouldn't care to repeat. 2 days ago he physically intimidated her to the point where she sat and cried in the bathroom. I had never seen her so upset.

She told him to leave and he hasn't. He walks around the house as if nothing has happened. If I intervene he will make it violent no matter how calm I am. I am completely lost and for the 1st time in my life I'm helpless.

Jan 27, 2016
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To the author of "Where Can He Go?"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for reaching out on this site.

You cannot afford to worry about where your son goes. He's threatening your life, and you need to take whatever action is necessary to get him out of your home and to protect yourself.

Read about tough love here. You have to take care of yourself. You cannot take care of him any more, and if you try, it will only make things worse.

If you don't respect yourself enough to create safe boundaries, how can you expect him to respect you?

Take action now. You can do this. Trust him to find his way, and let go.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jan 25, 2016
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Where Can He Go?
by: Anonymous

My son is 24 and I need him out of my home. He told me once that if he killed me no one would know. I am afraid but I don't show it. Is there a place he can go for help before something bad happens to me or someone else?

Jan 10, 2016
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Anger Issues With A Friend With Heart Problems
by: Brianna

Hello. I am writing to you about a friend of mine, who's 46 years old. His name is Mark. Mark has been angry since he was a little bit. But he has a heart problem.

I am trying to get to the bottom of this. But he shuts down every time. I know there's something else in there, but he will not tell me. In time, maybe.

He is also taking care of his Mom, who is blind. But I'm afraid his medicine is getting him more sick.

He's stubborn, and I think he knows more than he's telling.

Well, if anyone can help, I would appreciate it.

Dec 28, 2015
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To "Hurt Family"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for your comment on this site. You don't realize it, and you certainly didn't intend it, but you and the family have taught your son that his angry and violent behavior are acceptable. I say this because of your words, and I quote, "the family always dismisses or ignores his behavior."

The effect of that is to send him the message that you accept, or even condone his actions. Don't get me wrong...he's an adult, and he's 100% responsible for his behavior. But it's important to realize how this happened.

As for your actions going forward, I don't agree that you need to work on your relationship with him. You need to set boundaries. Learn more about setting boundaries here.

Put yourself and your need for emotional safety first. And make up your mind that you will not spend time with your son or anyone else who is disrespectful (and especially violent) toward you.

My best to you as you begin to take care of yourself in this relationship...

Dr. DeFoore

Dec 27, 2015
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Angry Violent Son Who Treats His Mother Horribly
by: Hurt Family

My son is 36 yrs. old. He was raised by me, his mom and a family that has always butted in. A mom that has spanked him when he was younger a few times for always being in trouble at school, yet, worked hard to provide a roof over his head and attend all sports practices and games.

It was suggested at one time by teachers that he was ADD. Throughout his years, he was diagnosed as ED by the high school, has been through multiple rages and temper tantrums, in trouble with the law, caught stealing, and living lies. There have been times that he has turned this family so upside down.

Yesterday, he twisted things and went into a yelling match towards me in the middle of a high class mall. I was and still am mortified 24 hours later. He did this in front of his grandparents, his new wife and her children.

He has been violently verbally abusive to me for many years, never got actually hit by him because I would duck or lock bedroom doors in total fear of him. He has done so many crazy things throughout the years.

The family always dismisses or ignores his behavior.

I am constantly stressing over this. I need to work on a relationship with him. This last stunt has caused me to be non-stop in tears. I threw up, had chest pains, severe knots in my stomach and watered BM.

He only does this to me.

Dec 13, 2015
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To "Mother In Pain"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello. I'm glad you told your story here. You're on the right track. Get yourself separated from him as you're planning to, and never let him live with you again. Visits are okay, as long as he is respectful to you.

You have to let go. He will either grow up or he won't, that's up to him. People live normal lives with those diagnoses, and he has no excuses, as far as I can tell from what you've written here.

You have to take care of yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Dec 11, 2015
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Mother In Pain
by: Anonymous

So happy to have found this post. I am a single parent of a 21 yr old who has destroyed almost everything. He punches holes in walls, tears up furniture, has demolished numerous electronics and now assaulting me physically and emotionally.

He dropped out of high school 4 yrs ago, and won't do anything except computer gaming. He is constantly stealing from me to support his gaming addiction. He will not follow any boundaries or rules.

I rent and have been told my owners to move out by the end of month. He has history of ADHD, bipolar and conduct disorder. He refuses counseling and usually won't take meds.

I am tired of my guilt and realize I have to move out without him. He has been given 2 months notice to get a job and or alternatives but is too lazy or passive to do anything.

He has hit me twice in the last3 weeks and I phones the police who won't do anything because they believe his lies. I am 56 and tired of the intimidation and abuse.

Nov 13, 2015
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27 Year Old Adult Dependant
by: Anonymous

Hi. I have a similar problem, although there has been a past history of drug abuse. I now can't seem to get my son to leave and he constantly loses jobs. He doesn't want to be around people and has issues trusting anyone - even me. What do I do? As a family we can't take the verbal abuse he dishes out. He has no friends and nowhere else to go.

Aug 14, 2015
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Legal Action re. 49 Year Old Brother
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello. Your best choice is to deal with your brother as you would any trespasser. Contact the local authorities and report him for trespassing. Sad, I know, but he's really left you no choice. Of course this would have to be your parents' decision, not yours.

My best to you and your family during this difficult time.

Dr. DeFoore

Aug 08, 2015
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49 Year Old Brother Who Is Violent
by: Anonymous

My parents let my brother and his wife and children move into their summerhouse. They have not had a place to live since Hurricane Sandy. They have bounced from place to place. They were in my parent’s primary residence then lived with a friend then his in-laws. Now they have moved into my parent’s summerhouse. They told my parents they would only be there for a few weeks and be out by the summer. They moved in March 2014 and have remained there ever since. They pay no rent, utilities, taxes, or insurance. They have made a total mess of the place. We took a ride out to get some of our stuff out of the house because my parents wanted some of their stuff that has meaning to them. When we saw what they did to the place my mother was horrified. My brother contacted us two days later to ask how the house looks. My mother simply said I feel displaced and why did you take our stuff and put it in the cellar. The cellar is very damp and not a place to put furniture or bedding or mattresses. My brother flipped out over that comment and told her to get a flipping lawyer if you ever want us out. He also stated she should come out there right now and end it. She is thinking of signing the house over to them. This way it is off her back. He can pay the bills etc. He is not stable and we fear he will become violent if confronted again and he also just purchased a gun. What can we do?

Aug 05, 2015
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I Was A Bad Parent & Now I Have An Angry Daughter
by: Anonymous

My daughter is 29 years old. I am not like many of the parents who raised their children right because I was a very bad parent. I have done everything I can to show my daughter that I am sorry about what I've done, I have done all that I know to do, but no matter what, when she gets angry with me, she yells and screams, calls me every name imaginable, and tonight she went off, packed her stuff up while tearing up my house (all on front of a 2 year old), and injured my hand so badly, I'm sure my thumb is broken. I just don't know what to do any more. She says it's my fault for messing her up, and its my fault if she goes back with a man who beats her. I just don't know when my responsibility for bad parenting ends, and her choices begin. I love my daughter and granddaughter, and have done everything I can to help her, but I cannot keep going through this. I have no more vacation hours to spare, days off work, money, credit, or mistreatment to give her. Why does that make me such a bad person?

Jul 16, 2015
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24 Year Old Son Violently Angry Living At Home
by: Anonymous

I have a 24 yr old son who cusses me and breaks things in my home. He won't get a job, says he can't handle the stress and it interferes with his music. He takes Adderall and Xanax smokes weed and cigarettes!

He was living in California with his girlfriend for about 3 yrs until she left him because she said he was abusive! Which I can believe. My mom and I have been supporting him through his music and he is so ungrateful and disrespectful to me. He curses me, calls me stupid, he steals from my credit cards, he makes messes in my brand new home which he is slowly destroying!

He has chipped my new hardwood floors because he broke all my vases having a temper tantrum! You just can't say anything to him when he is wrong or else he goes off on you!

He has me and his sister afraid of him! I don't have a male in the house to help me and I feel he takes advantage of that! I want him out of my house but I know he won't leave because he has nowwhere to go!

I don't want to call the police but that's the only way he will get out! I feel like a prisoner in my own home!

Jul 11, 2015
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Me Too
by: Anonymous

I've had a similar problem with my son. What has helped me is Alanon and books by Bradshaw, Melody Beattie, Harville Hendrix and the open dialogue and family systems therapy literature. Also I've heard good things about doctors of integrative medicine. It could be he needs to detox his body and get off wheat and dairy. My friend's son stopped having psychotic episodes when he did that. Probiotics too. Maybe he needs extra vitamins or amino acids. Sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with him so you could talk to him and give him feedback and hope for healing. The AA books and videos on Youtube have also been helpful to me.

Jun 12, 2015
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To The Author of "Finally Let Go..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Your comment is brilliant. Thank you so much for offering your story and insight into this challenging problem. I know many will benefit from reading your contribution.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jun 11, 2015
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Finally Let Go of my 31 Year Old Son
by: Anonymous

When I read your post I could identify so closely with your situation and wanted to add a comment to hopefully guide you to a starting point out of this emotional paradox of confusion.

There comes a point that you have to make a decision that this is too much for you. Your state of mind has to replace the parental image of yourself to an independent person away from your adult child. When this mind shift happens you will be able to disconnect from your adult son, and make better decisions for yourself.

This may sound selfish, and I get that, but it truly isn't. Its putting things in proper perspective for the age appropriateness of your adult child and yourself.

Also keep in mind that any decision you make can be changed in any situation, especially when it comes to your adult child. You may think that keeping your commitments are important, and this is generally true, but in this situation your view of commitment has to be fluid. It is more important to change actions and thoughts to the appropriate moment than to think staying with your original commitment will 'teach' your adult child an important lesson, trust me it will not.

In my situation this change of mind and behavior has lead to my son not speaking to me for the last 9 months, but I'm really doing okay...no, I'm doing GREAT! I once in a while think of him and get a ping of sorrowful love, then I say a prayer for him. Yes it would be nice to have him in my life, but without him right now, I can go on with my day in a state of real peace.





Jun 03, 2015
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Hard to Think
by: Worried Mum

My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 12. I am a single mum and I have 3 children. He is 21 now, and very mean, lazy and abusive. He has stolen from all of us - really sentimental things that we valued.

He has physically hurt everyone by bullying and vicious intimidation. I am so tired. I just want him to go away. He is clever with words and insults, but has no compassion for anyone. He can be charming and has a lovely girlfriend. He is good looking and surprisingly get jobs easily. People always want to be good to him but that backfires as he is untrustworthy.

I feel for anyone going through this. It's pretty endless. I'm not sure what way is forward.

Feb 07, 2015
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An Answer To Your Question
by: Dr. DeFoore

This is to "Daddy." I'm glad you find these stories to be beneficial to you in dealing with your son. In answer to your question, you might want to just tell your son about the letters you've been reading, and see if he's interested. If not, leave it alone. If he is interested, then give him the web site link and don't bring it up to him again. If he's going to make good choices for himself, it will have to come from his own initiative.

I hope this helps, and I wish you and your family all the best.

Dr. DeFoore

Feb 06, 2015
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Thank You All For Your Letters
by: Daddy

I just found all of you. My wife and I are 56, and have two sons. As I read your letters I started to cry. This is my son they’re talking about. This has been a problem for 28 years. He is my oldest, 29 years old. This has been so hard all these years, on my wife and me and our 25 year old son. It has pulled us about. I've been working on this with my wife and younger son, and we are pulling together on this problem. Thank you all for your letters. I can see light now. I now only have one question. If I was to let my son read these letters, would he start taking his meds for ADD, or should I not show him the letters?

Dec 31, 2014
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My 26 Year Old Son Gets Explosive And So Does His Father
by: Anonymous

My 26 year old son has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is the most loving and kind son in the world, except when some petty thing, such as a piece of old plastic (that he somehow wanted to keep) gets tossed in the trash. Then he explodes.

He reminds me of a time when I threw out an old Grinch stuffed animal on him 10 years ago. He got so angry last night, I was petrified. His eyes turned black and he started cussing me out. He told me I should die. He slammed the door so hard it made a hole in the wall.

I thought he was going to whack me, and I was ready to call the police. If I tell my husband, he will not support me, because he talks to me the same way. Anyway, my son is 26 years old, so I told him if he doesn't like living at our home, he needs to move out and get his own place.

Then he goes on a tirade about how he doesn't have enough money, so I tell him to get a full time job. He is living at home paying no rent. I feel bad telling my son I don't want him at home, and that is really not it, but I am terrified of him when he gets into one of these temper rages.

Dec 29, 2014
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26 Year Old Brother Living With My Parents With Extreme Anger
by: Anonymous

I recently moved back in with my parents while going through a divorce. My younger brother still lives at home like a teenager. Yes, my parents indulge him and allow his drug use, drinking, friends in-and-out at all hours, and raging bouts of anger.

I had no idea how bad it was until I saw it first hand and everything you all have posted is sadly true.

My parents are in their mid to late 60's, retired, and they also care for my 90 yr old grandmother. This is supposed to be their time to relax, having worked hard their whole life. But it's filled with fear, stress, and sadness.

I want to help but I don't know how to. He is becoming more violent and erratic. My dad has some health issues and if push came to shove, he can not defend himself.

I'm not sure if he just has anger issues or has a mental illness. I don't know what to do. I know I need to help my parents but if they aren't willing to take a tough love stance, what can I do?

I'm afraid someone may get hurt. What should I do?

Dec 28, 2014
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My 32 Year Old Son
by: Helen

I'm so glad I came across this page. My son is an angry adult too. He also can be loving and good to be around, but mostly I can't stand to be around him.

It's almost to the point that (I have to force myself to be honest) I hate him. Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that. I love my son with all my being. But I hate the person he has become.

The anger he shows to me and his girlfriend is more than I can stand. He does not do this to his sister or father. I think it's because he knows that they would not put up with him treating them that way.

And it's not that I put up with it, because I tell him I won't. But he does it anyway. I don't know how to let him go. It kills me to have him this way. Sometimes I even wish he hadn't been born. Oh my God! Help me and him!

Dec 15, 2014
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How To Let Go
by: Dr. DeFoore

I know it's hard, but consider that love is letting go...and holding on is not love.

Read this article about letting go of a relationship.

Dec 14, 2014
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I also have a 29 year old son with Extreme Anger Issues
by: Anonymous

He's currently incarcerated. He can be the kindest most generous person you will ever meet but if something doesn't go the way he thinks it should...watch out!

He's had several people (women) take out protective orders against him. I myself have never been afraid of him harming me but I am ALWAYS afraid that someone is going to harm him...seriously harm him and it wouldn't be the first time.

He has been beat up to the point that one time he was not recognizable and was in the hospital for a long time. It was so painful going to visit him everyday when he didn't even recognize me. I love him but I need to let go. I just don't know how.

Nov 04, 2014
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Angry 42 Year Old Son
by: Anonymous

My son is 42, married, with a 10 year old daughter. He is constantly 'tilting at windmills,' being unpleasant to work colleagues, neighbors, friends...anyone who annoys or thwarts him. It is embarrassing. I do not know how his wife copes. He shouts and even talks loudly. We are a loving family, although there have been problems at times--mostly alcohol related. This I am sure affected him in childhood. On the reverse side he is hard working and can be a lot of fun but he takes offense very quickly and there is no talking to him at times. His sister does not appear to have the same issues as he does.

Jul 24, 2014
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I feel the pain!
by: Anonymous

My son is 25 and I feel everyone's pain first hand. No diagnosis of ADHD but he is taking antidepressants. He also breaks down and cries because he knows his behavior is wrong. But he still remains angry at the world. I feel like a failure as a mother but I'm now receiving counseling myself, and see that I can't take the blame for another adult's action even if he is my flesh and blood. I love him enough to put up the boundaries. I think so, anyway...I'm just starting to do it now.

Dec 18, 2013
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ANGER AND MY 20 YEAR OLD ADHD SON
by: Anonymous

I can FEEL with these parents with the 29 year old son...sounds like mine.

My son is 20. Has had ADHD all his life it seems, been on and off his meds. He has been taking Adderol every morning, but says he hates it because he does not eat...anyway, that's not the real problem, the problem is his EXPLOSIVE ANGER issues. He could go days talking to us nicely. civil conversations, fun and pleasant, and then, BAM.. there are days he explodes if something didn't go right, if something is taking too long, anything. We tell him to calm down and he calls us names and uses the most horrible language you could hear. Calls his dad and I names, telling us "where to go" and throws or breaks stuff in his path to heighten the anger. He stays away for days and then calls us with remorse and apologizes and we are suppose to accept it and forget about it. His grandma cries for us to be nice to him because "he cant help it".

Well...call me non caring or a rotten mother. But his episode the other night did me in. He broke his grandpas siding by kicking it in after calling me some choice names because I told him he needed to get some help with his anger issues. I told him he is no longer to come by our house until he shows us respect. I am tired of the drama. He is a tornado. He makes my husband tear up when these episodes happen, making my husband feel he went wrong somewhere as he grew up. He blames everybody else for his short comings. I'm sick of it. I love him, but I do not like him and it is putting stress on my husband and I's relationship. He has lost his job due to smoking weed, he has totaled 2 cars, refuses to work for minimum wage, and has lost girlfriends and friends because of his anger. No one wants to be around him.

I have read all morning how these types of outbursts are from ADHD and that there is help. He has been to many doctors, and hates any kind of therapy, whether in a group or one on one. I want to tell him he gets help or else. I am worn down because of him. I am also not in the best health myself and my mother in law and husband expect me to forgive him for the 90th time..I say, I give respect so I deserve it and want it back and refuse to be a punching bag for him just because life dealt him this disease.

I feel hopeless with the situation.

From Dr. DeFoore

You are totally on track. You are not helping your son by allowing his destructive behavior -- on the contrary. When he is destructive and you do nothing, you're sending a message to him that his behavior is acceptable. Follow your instincts and put up the boundaries you need to keep yourself and your family safe. There are no guarantees, but it may be the best thing you can do for your son also.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Sep 24, 2012
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ANGRY ADULT SON
by: Anonymous

I am so happy that I came to this site. I am having the same problems with my 28 year old son. He has recently moved back home,because he was fired from his job.

I am sure that it was due to his explosive anger. He always starts his new jobs with enthusiasm,even joy. Then it happens, someone or something makes him really angry.

His credit is terrible, due to the fact that he doesn't think he needs to pay his bills. He lives at home, rent free, so that he can pay off his bad debts and stand on his own again.

He hates living with his father and me and he is barely civil to us. His father has had 2 very recent surgeries for cancer, and he is really not well.

I don't know why he hates us so much. I was a stay at home mom, and his dad, although not very demonstrative towards him,was always there for him.

After another arguement tonight(about paying his bills), I Have asked him to move out, and to get some counseling.

My son is highly intelligent,but emotionally weak.
I am broken hearted. I have been so loving and kind to him his whole life. I feel like I have failed him. Could I have spoiled him by being too kind?

I can no longer take his anger and hatred towards us. I have enough to deal with his dad being so sick. I guess I just have to "let go,let God",as my recently deceased mom used to say.

Jun 01, 2012
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HELP
by: Anonymous

I have a 38 yr. old daughter with the same problems. She has never been on medication.She has had 4 domestic violence charges in the last 15 years. Her sister has not spoken to her in a year, has lost most of her friends due to her anger and just got another assault charge after hitting the girlfriend of her 5 year old's father. I have been through 2 weeks of horrible texts and calls venting her anger at me. She has a 16 year old who moved out to live with a close friend and I have finally given up. I am now not going to speak to her. I guess it's called tough love.I don't know what else to do.

May 25, 2011
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Sad for you DJ
by: Anonymous

I have a 21 year old son and he sounds very much like your son. Several differences...he was raised by me alone and our household was not always calm; he was never diagnosed and has only once been on medication. Right now he is facing court for hitting his sister. This is the third time-once with a girlfriend, once with me and now his sister. Just this morning he was yelling at me telling me it is our fault...it is everyone's fault. I feel if he would just accept responsibilty for his behavior...then he could start to heal but that hasn't happened. I too love my son so much. I want so much for him to get some help and find his way. He is so smart and has so much talent. I think I am more vested in his life too but as a mom...how can I not be? I wish our local courts would understand these kids need some help along with their punishments. Good luck to you...I will pray for both our boys.

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