Marriage That Is Hurtful

by Paul
(South Africa)

I fell for a woman, agreed to get married, engaged her last year September. Seeing that I paid lobola, to cut the expenses of staying in different flats, we decided to stay together while we prepare for our wedding in September 2011.

Hardly three months staying together, she started to drift away from me, spending a lot of time with her friend, going out for shopping together, visiting her mother's home alone. I would even struggle to get hold of her on the phone. By the time I get hold of her, she would be in a noisy place like the night club claiming that she left her phone in someone's car. The time I want to discuss the behavior, she would just tell that she is not ready to discuss. In the misdt of everything, she would just sleep, not taking care of her responsibilities, not even wanting to have sex with me saying she doesn't like sex.

I tried to speak to her, took her to a doctor and psychologist but she continued with her behavior of misbehaving. At one stage she left me in the flat to go and meet with a male friend with false pretenses. She would even go as far as 500 kms without discussing with me. The last straw is when she told me that I control her too much and she wants her life back. She even said to me that she never loved me. I felt disappointed, betrayed, used and abused, and deceived. I love the woman very much.

The time I heard that all these hurting words, because of anger I said she must go and live with the man she loves. I even helped her to take her possessions out of the flat I am renting. Two days after that I asked for an apology pleading her to work things out. But, she refused.


Two months along the line, she borrowed money from me. I gave the money, and requested her to come back and we reconcile. Since then, I am having anxiety, fear, nightmares and chest pains. We discussed love and forgiveness but she says she is not going to forgive me nor to come back to me. I fear to lose the person I love so much.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Paul, and thanks for telling your story here. I know that you're trying your best, and it is clear that you're a good person who wants a good relationship.

It is also clear that you have some relationship issues yourself, and I don't think you could be happy with this woman at this time. You need to get yourself emotionally healthy first. If you want to do that, then read the following pages, and follow all of the recommendations:

quotes on relationships
relationship advice
letting go of a relationship
dealing with marital problems

I also highly recommend that you work on yourself emotionally, using this audio program on nurturing your inner child and these self esteem CDs.

Love starts with you, Paul. At this point, you seem to love this woman more than you love yourself, and that will never work.

Believe in yourself. Watch this great video, and pretend that the singer is singing to you.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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