I hired an assistant who I found myself having feelings for. I knew this was something I could never act on as I am married and I am fully aware of sexual harassment issues. Also, it would be very uncomfortable to have an affair with your assistant, but I find her incredibly sexy and sharp.
I was very generous, kind and considerate, but she seemed very strange with her emotions and behavior. Her life didn't make sense as her demeanor didn't fit the person. Anyway, I admit that I became jealous when she started hanging out with another guy at work, who is married. I was puzzled because he is a jerk, she always mocked him and even once complained to me about him hitting on her. I always considered him a narcissist.
Well, the more I learn of her the more I start to wonder about her. She lost custody of 2 of her kids in divorce and claims her ex was diagnosed by the courts as anti-social, yet he won sole custody. Despite all the generous deeds she was very hostile to me when I asked her of her deceptive change about with her new friend and she got angry and would not clear the air over any of our disagreements. She just stared at me with piercing eyes.
Then, she filed an EEO complaint against me which caused me grief and heartache. Now I felt very betrayed. She couldn't empathize with me and showed no emotions when I told her how this hurt me. I have to see her everyday and I am so angry over the betrayal, but oddly, still jealous even though I know she is a horrible person. I started reading about sociopaths and she fits the bill to a tee.
But my anger and hurt and even jealousy still has gotten me in trouble and I have to control it. It has consumed me and made me obsessed. Logically, I know she's no good, I love my wife, this women would be a horror for a mate but I see her daily and still have feelings. But they are a mix between lust and severe anger.I have to get her out of my sight for my peace of mind and at the same time, would like to dismiss her to teach her a lesson.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello William, and thanks for telling your story on this site. You are definitely struggling with some boundary issues, and need to get clear about where you stand with yourself and your marriage.
First, read this page on overcoming jealousy, and this one on alternatives to getting revenge.
I also recommend that you do all of the journaling exercises you will find described on this page. This will help you to get more clear with yourself.
You will never be happy or content, as long as you are being unfaithful to your wife--in your heart or in any other way. Consider making a renewed commitment to your marriage, and put your attention and emphasis there instead of on this other woman.
If you don't have your personal integrity, you don't have anything at all. Get right with yourself and your own values, and be true to your commitments.
My very best to you,