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Feeling Left Out

by Peter
(Tillsonburg ONT Canada)

Hi. Here is something that bothers me quite often. I was wondering how I could resolve this outcast feeling, so I don't have it hindering my mind.

Here is what is going on. The plant operations manager is friends with the plant managers outside of work. So they go to the gym or play golf together and have their good old time. And here at work they get together and chat about things they do here at work and plan things to do at the same time. They interact with work related activity and then they make decisions and plans. I get to find out about from the other employees most of the time. That is such an outcast feeling. I makes me sick.

Celebrating birthdays or if one of them has a newborn baby or something like that, depending on who it is, they reward them with gifts and cards. On birthdays there is a cake, signs of invitations and a lot of smiles and jokes. As you know its a welcome feeling when you are treated the same.

If there is something that involves donations for a race towards a good cause or something that involves donations then I get asked if I want to donate. Other than that, they avoid me as much as possible.

It makes me want to quit. I worked for this company for 19 years already.

What should I do?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Peter. Thanks for writing your story on this site. I know a lot of people have felt like you do, and they will benefit from reading this. So you are helping others by helping yourself here.

Feeling outcast is no fun, that's for sure. Nobody likes that feeling. The question is, like you said, what do you do about it?

First of all, you are focusing on the problem, which is understandable, but it doesn't make you feel good.

Consider these positive aspects of your situation:

1) You have a job--and that's why you have this problem. A lot of people are out of work right now, and would give anything to have your problem. Be grateful for your job.

2) Shift your focus away from those managers who don't include you. There are probably people who like you, and enjoy being with you. Focus on those people that like you, and who you enjoy being with.

3) What other things do you like about your job? When you want things to change, you get the change you want by focusing on the positive aspects of your situation, not by focusing on what you don't like.

4) Read this page on journaling, and practice all of the exercises described there. I promise this will help you to feel better.

5) Every time you see those guys having a good time together, say to yourself, "I'm sure glad they have each other to hang out with. That is great to see guys having a good time doing things together. I look forward to seeing more of that happening in my life."

6) Practice the anger management techniques you find on this page, over and over until you feel better.

7) Become a Goodfinder! Look for the good things in your situation, and focus on that all of the time. Here is a CD program called Goodfinding that will help.

I'm sure you are a good man with a lot to offer, Peter. Focus on your own positive qualities, and hang out with people who seem to recognize your value.

All my best to you in your journey to feeling good,

Dr. DeFoore

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Sep 02, 2009
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Hi Peter
by: Abby

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through being ostracized. It's a horrible thing to do to someone. I know that situation. When I started here, there was a woman who controlled everything. She and another girl would have these lunches in our team lunchroom and they made it very clear that I wasn't invited. Then, as other people came through, those other people were invited into their lunch group and I was not.

This woman bad mouthed me to the boss and to everyone she could and they only every came near me for money. One time someone left and sent an email out to everyone saying 'I want at least $20.' These comings and goings happened, and still happen, continuously. The person she wanted it for had also joined her bitch group and pointedly joined with her in meetings to criticize me.

SHE has the problem, not me. One of the people that joined with her against me was a bloke. They eventually pushed him away and he came to me the other day complaining and asking if I would form a group with him. I said that God was my group.

Make your own friends outside work even if it's only online - things can grow from there. Try the fish site, it's good.

Those sort of people can make you feel bad but don't let them. At best, they are insensitive and you don't need them.

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