My Wife Is Always Angry

by Noam
(Denver)

I'm a married man (five years ago), and I have a son. The problem I face always is that my wife exploits me. She knows that I love her very much, and I spoil her. She gets mad for every little or tiny thing or even when I talk to her about things she did (mistakes).

She can't have a healthy dialogue or conversation with me as she has an anger problem. She is okay if anyone else blames her, but me, never. She likes to play the role of the leader in our life. If I happen to refuse the things she wants to do or the things she wants me to do for her, she gets angry and never talks to me for days or even a couple of weeks.

For me, it's becoming very difficult to figure out whether she loves me or not, or is she exploiting me or not. I don't want to break up because of my son. And I don't want to live like this.

How am I going to fix it and make sure that she no longer abuses me (verbally) or tries to exploit me for her own purposes?

Her background: she is the most spoiled girl in her family. No one can say "no" to her--either her father or mother. She plays a vital role in her family in making decisions. Because of this, I think she wants to play a bigger role in our family (trying to be the boss), as she thinks I'm a weak person.

I'm not a weak person, I'm very strong. But I don't want to lose my son, I don't want be abusive, and I don't want to break up my marriage. I want to fix it. But whenever I try to fix it, she threatens to break up, indirectly. I once agreed to have a space, and live separately for a long time. But that didn't work out.

Please help me to make the right decision for myself and for my family, whether to break up or try to fix it.

Many thanks.




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for your story. Just as a comment, it's interesting that as human beings we throw away food that we consider to be spoiled, but we think it's kind of cute to spoil children. Spoiling children is actually just another form of abuse, which is apparently what happened to your wife. Spoiled children often become demanding and dominating adults, creating extremely difficult relationships.

That said, your wife is also a human being, with free will and choices. And I'm sure she's a good person, as you are. Before giving up on your marriage, I suggest you give it every possible chance.

You need to get in touch with your own anger toward your wife. I'm not suggesting that you express it to her, necessarily, you just need to be clear about it in your own mind. For that purpose, take a look at the journaling exercises you see described on this page. Just follow those instructions and write from your anger daily. And be sure and follow that with writing about your wife's positive aspects--what you appreciate about her.

That should help you to get clear about whether you want to be with her or not. I encourage you to put the thoughts about her exploiting you out of your mind. That suggests that you are a helpless victim, and you're not. I know you may feel exploited, but that is merely a feeling, not a reality. The important question is not whether you're being exploited. The important question is what can you do to take care of yourself and make things better.

If you stay in the relationship, you need to learn to stand up to her in a healthy way. Use the communication tools on this page to express your feelings in a calm and respectful manner, and ideally, see if your wife will try these communication processes with you.

I hope this helps.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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