Mad At Everyone
I'm on my third marriage and things are looking bad. We argue all the time. I think he tries to control me and that ain't gonna happen. So he gets mad, and I get mad. We are both seniors and this is also his 3rd marriage.
We will be married 8 years this Sept. He is so arrogant. He's an attention getter, he shows out and screams at me. Then he says "I'm over it now". Well, by that time the damage is already done. Of course I forgive because I am a Christian but he makes me mad at the whole world.
He's also verbal when we are in a crowd and I hate that. I hate going any place with him. We are having money problems and I get angry when I think of my family with no money problems.
I just want to end it all or find a hiding place to be alone. So I ask him if he is better off with me or without me. He says he's better off with me. So what's the problem? I just don't like him or even love him. He makes it impossible. I would leave but can't afford to. I'm sure this money problem has a lot to do with all of this.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thank you for asking for help on this site. You don't like what is happening in your marriage, because inside you have a vision of goodness and love. That vision comes from who you really are. You are a good, wise person who knows that marriage is supposed to be a joyful, dynamic and loving relationship that contributes to the growth of both people. That's not what's happening in your marriage, so you're angry about it.
As long as you blame your husband, you will feel like an angry, trapped victim, and that will fuel your rage and cause you to make your situation worse. The only freedom you have comes from taking responsibility for your part of what is going on.
You feel stuck because of the money. So, let's look at how you might improve your situation without leaving. Maybe leaving is not the best possible choice this time. Maybe you're supposed to learn and grow in this marriage, and discover a new kind of love.
You say that you don't like or love him. I believe you, and that certainly makes things hard, and it makes it impossible for you to improve your situation. So we have to start there.
There are two approaches I want to take to help you:
1) First we'll look at your background and history, and start a process of healing of old relationship wounds from your past.
2) Then we will look at some things you can do in the present, in your current marriage that will help.
Regarding your history, you wouldn't be having these marriage issues if you had not had some kind of trauma in your past. So try these exercises:
1) Write a detailed account of all of the abuse and mistreatment you received as a child. Don't hold back or leave anything out. Try to describe every detail. This is for no one's eyes but yours, so don't worry about that. The benefit is how it will help you to revisit these memories from your present position. This is a healing process, and it will begin to ease some of the tension you feel.
2) Use the guided imagery healing processes you will find on this page
to heal emotionally from the wounds of your past. This is a powerful technique that will give you tremendous emotional freedom if you can do it successfully. Don't give up on this, keep trying until you feel some relief.
3) Use the journaling processes you will find described on this page
to begin managing your anger more effectively on a daily basis. This will include a daily journaling process of writing from your anger and then shifting to positive journaling about the good things in you and your life.
Regarding your present relationship with your husband, here are some exercise that will help:
1) Begin a daily journaling process in which you write about the positive aspects of your husband. You might have to write from your anger first (as described in the link above, but be sure and do this no matter what. To improve your marriage you absolutely must begin to focus on what is good, right and working about your marriage, and the positive aspects of your husband.
2) Moment by moment, day by day, every time you think of your husband, think of his positive aspects--anything that is decent or good about him. Use this to extend the benefit of the positive journaling process above.
Believe in yourself. You can do this, if you set your mind to it. You get to choose, moment by moment, what kind of person you're going to be, and these exercises will help you make the right choices.
Never, ever give up on yourself.
Feel free to write again, if you like.
My best to you,
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