The Gift Of Hindsight And Time To Move Forward!
We only have few real friends and we find out who they are when we need them most. A rough patch in our lives sure sorts the sheep out from the goats! I'm not sure who I'm most angry with, myself or the 'perceived perpetrators' of my losses.
I have Parkinson's disease...that makes me frustrated and angry.
I spent a lot of time alone as a child...that makes me angry.
I could never get anything right when I was growing up, thus
I had no self confidence, that makes me angry.
My father and brother were 'never there' when I was growing up ... I feel cheated, and that makes me angry!
My mother was 'over' her marriage and living conditions by the time I was born. Not her fault, but I feel a bit cheated.
My sister is a manipulator who was a sick child (11 years my senior), she got all the attention, that angered me.
By the time she got married and left, Dad was gone and Mum turned to me for company, I was 'over' it. I was so angry by then it was too late. I had no idea how to live. At fourteen I was mixed up, anxious and depressed.
I failed miserably at job and career attempts, partied hard, got pregnant and was married at seventeen.
I have always gravitated towards emotionally unavailable men, and suffered the consequences...that makes me angry.
My husband was a lovely guy, but a workaholic. He was always at work. Faithful to the letter though, kind and generous. If I knew then what I know now!
I used him, and I destroyed his life. That would be the biggest of my many regrets...and I was angry with myself about that.
His life, apart from work, ceased when I walked out after 28 years. He took up smoking again, drinking and playing poker machines.
His home was sadly neglected and fell apart.
When I left I joined AA, I was concerned about my own drinking.
I was sick, hurting, and had no boundaries. I didn't have a clue. I was ideal predator fodder for the '13th' step, and prime brainwashing material. And with the benefit of hindsight...that makes me really angry! Beware, AA is not a 'safe place'!.
I was 13th stepped several times, brainwashed, 'sponsored' by whackers and conditionally 'unconditionally' loved. Finally when I agreed to disagree with their methods, I was conveniently dumped!
I have never been happier, and I am very much alive, reasonably sane, and well, ... despite being assured I would be the opposite!
I spent the last eight years in an insane relationship with a selfish man from AA. It was an on again off again thing, had to be all his way. If it didn't suit him he would pick a fight and completely disappear for months. Not a word from him. That made me furious!!
My self esteem was so low I would take him back!!
This would happen around every three months.
The last time he had decided to finish it for good. Hindsight again...just as well he did, he did me a favour. But it came at a time when I was selling my home and preparing to move, my elderly mum was needing care and attention I was unable to give, and I had no support from my brother or sister. I was really struggling with my Parkinson's under the pressure.
I took to the poker machines myself, and began smoking. Two things I abhor.
I was almost broken and absolutely furious with him. He completely cut me off with no explanation. Then I found out he was going on a very cozy holiday with his ex-wife, who had always been very much 'on-the-scene' (stupid me!!).
I now believe they were in some sort of 'financial arrangement' where they were laundering money he was fraudulently
obtaining from social security whilst working simultaneously. While he was 'on again off again' with me he put a large sum of money into a property that is supposedly in his daughter's name. His 'ex' lived in it, too.
He is a con man and a 'wheeler dealer'.
He had been reported previously for his fraudulent activities but AA members he worked for lied to the authorities to cover his tracks. I was disappointed.
This time he may not get out of it so easily, because I will be very happy to help with any inquiries.
I don't recommend it, though in this case it was my moral and legal duty, I will probably end up in a shallow, makeshift grave somewhere...but who said revenge is sweet? It helped me to reclaim a bit of my power. I will at least die a bit happier.
I now live in a different town, near my daughter, grandchildren and ex-husband. He said he still loves me. I have started to look after myself better now, am writing a book, but I have a long way to go, and more than enough to keep me busy.
I told my sister it was time for her to look after our mother which she now does. I had to remove myself from the situation. I really did not have a choice.
I still struggle with the pokies. I really enjoy playing them, see them as a huge waste of money and can't afford to put money in them on a large scale. But every now and then I go on a bender and get really angry with myself. I will have to identify the 'triggers'.
Writing the book has really helped me to see things just as they are. It is an amazing healing process and a fascinating journey.
Thank you for this website, I wish I had found it sooner, I am sure I will benefit from some of the CD's etc.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Pauline, and thanks for telling your story here. It sounds like you're on a good track, and I encourage you to keep up the good work.
I recommend you explore love, anger and forgiveness and see what release you can find there. It's all about letting go...of the anger as well as the loved ones.
Believe in yourself, and be true to the good person you know you are inside.
My very best to you,
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