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Should I Keep Giving Money To My 20 Year Old Son?

by Bimpy
(United Kingdom)

I've been on this website to talk about my son before. I'm a lone parent of 2 (now young adults). I've done everything for them and made sure they had everything.

So, while we weren't rich, they did well in school classes, had school led holidays abroad, gadgets and family holidays.

But it's never been enough for my son. His dad has never been around nor has he ever paid a penny for them. I don't understand why my son has now stopped talking to me.

He sees his university friends with their own flats and I'm guessing he hates me as I cannot afford a flat for him. He often stays with a mate, who is not in university, but has his own flat bought through inheritance.

He stormed off a few weeks ago when I woke him up about half an hour earlier than he wanted. It was university exam time. He vandalized his room and room door, swore at me and shouted that he hated me. He came home once only, to get money from the house, while I was at work. I'd left cash and said to my daughter that she should hand this to him but not say it came from me.

My daughter says he often asks her for money for food. I've sent him texts to say he can come home as long as he fixes his room, his door and promises not to swear at me etc. I didn't say that I wanted an apology.

He won't respond.

Should I continue to communicate or leave things as they are? I know he's short of money and as a mum, I don't want him to go hungry.

My daughter tells me he's trying to find a part-time job so I'm sure he's not tempted to earn money illegally. Do I continue to give him money, via my daughter?

Any advice would be appreciated.

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Aug 12, 2018
Things Do Get Better
by: Bimpy

Well, I sent my son a text every now and then - 'How are you,' 'Hope you are well,' 'you can contact me whenever you want.'

He did eventually, and he (so far) has been a different person. He's more positive and has even been helping around the house. He's made effort with studying also.

He now wants a dog but this is something I've put my foot down on as I already look after their previous pets.

Jun 20, 2018
A Possible Answer For You
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Bimpy, and welcome back. Thanks for reaching out again. I'll try to help.

From what you've written, this sounds like a painful but necessary movement on your son's part toward independence. With that in mind, I recommend that you not give him any more money.

Ideally, when he becomes more independent and self-reliant, he will come back to see you and treat you and your home with more respect.

Also, you may have some letting go to do as a parent. Your job is done with him. He's an adult. His autonomy is the most important thing now. Learn more about letting go of a relationship.

Focus on yourself and the need to create a good life for yourself, Bimpy, and trust your son to find the path that is right for him.

My best,

Dr. DeFoore

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