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My Husband Had An Emotional Affair With Both His PA'S Over Two Years!

by Astounded
(Utah)

My husband has cheated on me emotionally for the past two years. First with one PA for six months. He was getting far too close to her by the way he spoke about her and then one day said he wanted a threesome with her and us. I demanded that he get rid of her. I was devastated.

Husband said he would do this and have nothing more to do with her but she still worked at the same office. I found out that for the last three months he had been contacting her to do work for him and stayed in touch through emails. When I learned that husband had been lying to me for three months I didn't know if he had been having an affair with her.


I thought that if husband was willing to risk our relationship and lie for that long there had to be something worth lying and risking for. I was going to leave my husband. I really didn't cope well. I had suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, feelings of worthlessness. I was very insecure and couldn't trust husband at all.

I had no confidence and this state was to continue for the next eighteen months not getting any better. My husband was aware of my suffering. Husband promised not to hurt me like this ever again. Promised this would never happen again. I stayed in the marriage.

Second PA was sending husband picture messages of herself and texts to his personal phone which I had asked to use to record a message off my phone from our son. As I did this I found the pic and text messages. I couldn't believe husband was doing this to me again. After much forced questions over months it came out that for the past eighteen months husband had been having an intense emotional affair with the second pa.

I have been suffering PTSD for the past two years from the first pa encounter and he is doing this straight away again behind my back. Husband told me I had total disclosure and then more lies would unravel. The emails were intimate. I was completely devastated again. I was leaving him again. Suicidal thoughts again. Too painful to stay. Too painful to leave.

He has removed this pa but she is still in the same building. Husband agreed to counseling and has been going. I have gone to two sessions. The anger, resentment and pain were too much for me to continue going. Our kids have been traumatized and moved out of the house. I have since convinced the kids to move back in. Slowly they are rebuilding their relationship with their father.

How do I move on from all this anger, resentment and pain? I have tried to move on many times but the husband's lies would unravel and more would come to light. I just can't move on now. I'm not sleeping. I can't stop thinking of what he said to her and the names he fondly called her.

I'm not sure if this ever got physical. He bought her a xmas gift. We had set rules and no gifts were one of them. And this keeps me awake at night. How can I ever trust him again? I never thought I would be one of these women whose husband treats them with such little respect. Prior to the last two years we had an enviable perfect marriage.



Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. You write very well, and I understand your situation. Your anger is totally understandable, and the difficulty you're having with letting go makes perfect sense. What you've been through is very difficult, to say the least. It is deeply traumatic.

So, now you're left with the aftermath, and your emotional trauma to heal. I will try to help.

I think that if you write in depth about your pain, using the journaling process described on this page, it will really help you. Keep doing it until you start to feel some relief. Also start a daily anger journal, as described on that same page. Even if this makes no sense to you, try it anyway. It will help you access the healing capacity within you.

I also encourage you to read the following pages on relationships:

letting go of a relationship
overcoming jealousy

I know you may be past jealousy at this point, but that page will still offer you some good guidance.

The help you need is here on this site, and within you. I hope this helps you to heal and move on to creating a good life for yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Comments for My Husband Had An Emotional Affair With Both His PA'S Over Two Years!

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Feb 12, 2013
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Over anger but took a good 10 months!!
by: austounded

Hello, This is Astounded-the original poster.

I'm very glad to tell you that the anger phase for me is over. Although it lasted a good 10 months it was something that I needed to work through. It was very hard for both me and my reforming husband to experience, but part of the healing process. I got all that I needed from reforming husband to start to heal.

Reforming husband is just that. He has changed back to the loving and trustworthy respectful man that I married. I am so grateful for that.

He realizes that his behaviour was about selfishness and greediness. My husband was getting everything he needed from me and our marriage. He had disregard for my wellbeing, he just didn't care, he was disenchanted with his family, just a bit of fun won't hurt if they don't find out, a loss of values and immature behaviour that led to juvenile infatuation and getting his ego stroked. Compartmentalizing, minimizing and lying to himself that It's all ok as long as he doesn't touch her.

Reforming husband is completely ashamed of the way that he has behaved and has no respect, only disgust, for the whore who started all this by flirting to manipulate her way to easier working conditions. Reforming husband didn't need to participate and that's totally his responsibility.

I am now facing trying to regain the love feelings for my husband. I know that I love him. I just don't feel that connection and warm fuzziness anymore. All this will pass just like the anger. It's all part of healing. When I feel safe to love him again I guess those feelings will return- I wish they'd hurry up!

I don't think that reforming husband will cheat again. But if he is so foolish to try-I have a KILLER post-nup where I get everything and don't need to prove a thing.

Thanks to Dr. DeFoore and this site for much needed assistance at a very traumatic time. I'm healing and on my way to a much better life.

Jan 18, 2013
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Similar situation
by: Anonymous

My husband did nearly the same, only with women online (never physical: that I know of)- but hurts the same. I left him when I was pregnant with our 4th child; but decided to work it out ( with some counseling & seeking the Lord). I still feel angry, & I take it out on him, my children & everyone else around me I'm sure.
I think my anger problem has always been there however, before this happened. Maybe it's what lead him to distance himself from me.

Either way... I can't seem to control the anger I feel. & the guilt I feel for acting out in anger. This repeated cycle has got to end >:/

From Dr. DeFoore

You don't have to live like this. You can heal your anger, with some focused effort. Follow all of the guidelines on this FAQ page, and you'll begin to gain control.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jan 06, 2012
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I am Astounded's husband
by: ReformingHusband

I am the despicable husband of Astounded. She has shown me her post to this site. I completely admit my guilt in what I have done. I have no reasonable excuse or reason for the way I have behaved. It has been the worst kind of selfish, pathetic, hurtful behaviour that a spouse could have undertaken. Callous, thoughtless and immature and many other words can be used to describe my appalling lack of self control that lead to this betrayal. Why did I do what I did, why was it worth it? My wife asks for detailed answers to questions such as these, over and over.
I understand the way she feels as much as I can as the guilty party and I am determined, very determined to provide support through her trauma no matter how long that takes and as difficult as it becomes. I am a fool, but so what, it’s my fault and deserve no sympathy and I will not feel sorry for myself.
The hurt is deep as you can read, and I realise it will not ever completely go away for my wife. But I will become the worthy husband again. I will do this through changing my behaviour in identified ways, reinstating my values, providing evidence of compliance to those values always, attending counselling and ensuring open communication at ALL times. I will never ever cross boundaries like this again. The relationships with the assistants were not physical, but the harm is the same. Make no mistake. I am completely ashamed that a “mature” person in my position as a husband, father and company director could be jeopardised by such wilful pathetic juvenile behaviour. Never ever again. But who cares about me this is about my wife and the inflicted damage is not repairable – what I have to do is to carry out all the things that my wife needs to ensure that she can have a complete, fulfilling and happy life like we used to and she deserves so much. I am determined that can be, and the hurt and pain will reduce enough for that life I promise to become reality. I love her completely, forever, and that will never fade.
But why should she believe me, trust me again? In my mind I would rather get flattened by a bus rather than look sideways at a female. I cannot stand the thought of breaching the marriage vows ever again. I hope others on this site may be able to assist with ideas for hurt and pain reduction, as I believe sharing such experiences can make a difference.

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