Mother Who Is Struggling In Her Mind Dealing With A Soon To Be 18 Year Old Disrespectful Son
I have a serious problem. I'm dealing with a 17 yr old soon to be 18 next week. The problem is over the last few years on, he has been very disrespectful, cusses me out, calls me all kinds of names, the worst is so bad I can't type out.
I've called the police in the past when he was 15, and they said they couldn't do anything because he was under age. Now that he is approaching 18, I have the power to put him out. I've been threatening him for years that when he turns 18 what I'm going to do.
Then I know he has no place to go no family here in Houston so now I'm concerned about he will be homeless in streets. But why should I care? Everyone who knows what I've been going through said you have to put your foot down. He thinks you're all talk no action, and the way he cusses you out, he has no respect for you and never will.
I mean I live in fear sometimes I get off work and hate to come home because it is pure terror when I get in. He knows what buttons to push. And I can't tune him out. I find myself arguing with him back and forth. Now he wants to put a guilt trip on me that what kind of mother throws their son out. I have no peace. I even leave my own house and stay at someone else's place to have peace of mind.
Why should I continue to live like this? This has been going on for years, he also smokes weed. He just got a job, and it seems like he is working just to get high. He offers me no money. I have to beg him to take out the trash, his room is a pig sty, dirty dishes, and trash. I used to clean up his room but now I just refuse to.
So how do you let go? Everyone tells me it's easy. My family says someone is going to get hurt. Why can't he understand he cannot cuss me out like a sailor then expect me to still continue to have him living with me. I just can't take it anymore. Please help with advice. Thank you.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I know this kind of situation can be very hard. The truth is, it's up to you to correct it. Do not expect your son to change, to understand, or to act right. Don't focus on him at all.
You have to focus on yourself, your own well being, and the peace of your home. You're not doing your son any good by allowing him to destroy your well being and the peace in your home. The kindest and most loving thing you can do is to get him out of your house as soon as you possibly can. What he does then is his business.
Learn more about this process by understanding tough love. You will also benefit by reading the following page: letting go of a relationship.
Now that your son is an adult, the only remaining parenting you need to do is remove him from your home. By listening to him, trying to reason with him, feeling sorry for him and allowing him to guilt you about kicking him out, you are hurting him and yourself. The advice you are getting from others is good. Follow it.
I know this is difficult. It is very painful to have to kick your own son out of your home. But please understand that to allow him to stay is harming him, and of course it is hurting you as well. By allowing him to stay, you are sending him the message that his behavior is acceptable to you, and it is not acceptable.
Believe in the goodness of your son to prevail over time, and take the necessary action to restore peace to your home.
My very best to you,
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