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Is This Anger Or Jealousy Or What?

by Anonymous

Hello, I am a 28 year old female and am wondering if I have anger issues. I have been with my boyfriend off and on for about 5 years and whenever we argue I just get so angry with him.

I know it stems from my trust issues with him but I can't seem to get past it. A little background: when we met, we were both seeing other people, barely spent time together. We started getting semi-serious about 3 years ago.

About 2 years ago, through a friend, I discovered he had a newborn child that he didn't tell me about. He says that he didn't tell me because he was still wrapping his head around it. He is (well was) the "married then children" type of guy and it was a one night stand with the other woman. I'm so torn because I completely understand but I still feel betrayed. Granted I was still seeing other people so I couldn't get too upset, right?

Fast forward to last summer I discovered he had been "talking" to another woman who lives out of state. No intimacy was involved but he denied it for about a day before finally coming clean. On the other hand, until last summer I had been seeing other people and have lied to him about it as well so why am I so distrustful of him?

We are in such a better place than we had been and are spending a lot more time together; but whenever we have a span of days when I don't see him or our communication isn't where I think it should be, I get suspicious and want to break up. I get so angry with him sometimes I see red, and I've never felt anger like this before. I cry a lot (something else I'm not accustomed to), and its always about my relationship. He's a great guy, funny, very intelligent, good at what he does professionally and around the house and I love him dearly.

I'm so ... I don't know, confused? Dangerously in love? He works a lot with varying hours, will I ever be able to trust him? If so, how do I get there? Is this even an anger issue? This is my first "adult" relationship. Am I trying to be controlling? Thanks in advance.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. It is great that you care enough about yourself and your relationship enough to try to get help. It appears to me that you have issues with both anger and jealousy--a tricky combination, as you well know.

I suggest you start by following all of the recommendations on this page, in order to understand, heal and begin to better manage your anger.

I also strong encourage you to learn about overcoming jealousy. The jealousy is a big part of your anger, and it comes from not loving yourself enough. Jealousy is a lot about fearing that your loved one will leave you for someone else, and yours is exacerbated by the fact that you have been dishonest as well. You might find this video on nurturing your inner child to be helpful to you in your healing process, and learning to overcome jealousy.

You can do this. Believe in yourself, do the work, and keep your vision set on what you want.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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