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Forgiving, Letting Go And Cutting Off Communication

by Patricia
(Kampala, Uganda )

My hubby and I have been married since 2006. He started drinking and using Xanax the past two years of our marriage. He had unexplained rage, I never knew where it came from.

It seemed like his purpose in life was to hurt me and our kids. Anyway after so much emotional and physical abuse most of which he denies, he strangled me and when I managed to scratch his face and set myself free I asked him to leave and not return.

That was beginning August this year. He was back for a night, maybe two at most. He claimed I hurt his ego when I hit him. I know I didn't. But I really didn't wanna hear any more of his lies.

When he finally came home in September he claimed to get off Xanax cold turkey. On the second week I insisted and checked him into a hospital for counseling. We ended up admitted, flushed his system and cleaned him up.

A week later we were out of hospital and he drunk more than before. He told everyone who could listen that I was a bad wife and mom so he drank. Now he moved back to the hotel.

Same theory no drama. I have hated this man, resented him, divorced him in my mind till now. I want to release myself from this and forget all about him. I drafted a separation agreement wired it to my lawyer and I want out.

Have I forgiven him? I really don't know. When I think I have forgiven him he does something outrageous and I am taken back. My friend tells me I am bitter. I agree.

So I am writing this to anyone in my situation. I am announcing that I forgive this man. I will not tolerate his actions or addictions because they are pulling me down and making me a hateful and bitter person. I choose life and love and I embrace it. And finally the peace of God that's beyond understanding is starting to take me over. I am free. To make sure am not confused and taken back, I am cutting off all communication till I am certain that I can face him without resentment.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Patricia, and thanks for telling your story here. You sound strong and clear, in your healthy anger and in your forgiveness. It seems like you're forgiving for yourself, not for anyone else, and that is excellent.

I wish you all the best in your healing and recovery, and in creating a beautiful, loving life for yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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Can't Forgive And I've Lost A Lot!

by Ana
(Chicago IL)

I've dated my boyfriend for 4 years. I was divorced with 4 children. I attempted to have a child with this man through an invitro process.

After losing the pregnancy we continued the relationship. He legally married me and 6 months after that he told me he couldn't stay with me because I had a past and children. He left me two years ago. For a year, we continued to see each other on and off. I loved him but he had told me he didn't want to be with me in a relationship.

A year after he left me, I met someone else, started a relationship and was intimate with this person. Now two years later he wants to come back and pick up where he left off and expects me to forget.

He uses against me the relationship I had after he left me. He constantly tells me he put up with knowing I was with another man. During the 4 year relationship, he neglected me, humilitated me and still I held on, even attempted having a child.

I don't trust him, I question him a lot and check his phone. This causes arguments but I can't forgive and forget that I gave him a lot the 1st time around and he pushed me to the side. What to do?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Ana, and thanks for telling your story here. I think the reason you can't forgive and forget is that it would be unhealthy and unwise to do so. After this man rejected you the way he did, you are justified in not trusting him. What assurance do you have that he won't do it again?

You didn't mention whether you're still married to him or not. Either way, you may want to strongly consider bringing that relationship to a final end. The only exception to this being, 1) if you really, truly love and respect him as a person and 2) if you know for a fact that he has had some therapy to deal with the reason he abandoned you.

It has to be your decision, of course. It's your life and your relationship. The following page will help you sort out your feelings and decide what you need to do. Read it and follow the recommended exercises, and I think it will really help you: letting go of a relationship.

If you decide to stay with him, I suggest that you both read the book, Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, and do all of the exercises in the book together.

Above all, make up your mind that your own personal well being will take priority over the needs and feelings of any man in your life. This is an essential first step to any healthy relationship.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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