Breaking The Chain
I'm Ken (a 67 year old male), and I was raised with a verbally abusive father who was loving to my siblings, but disliked me. My sister jokes (she thinks it's funny) that she was 10 years old before she realized my name was not "dumbass."
I have carried the damage all my life. My wife was a big help to me, and was vital in keeping me sane, and minimizing the damage to our children. I've tried every antidepressant, years of therapy, and intense exercise (for the endorphins), and so avoided the worst effects by staying busy.
My wife died almost 2 years ago, and I'm retired, so I have lost my stabilizer and my distraction. I had a girlfriend for the last year, and now she is gone, mostly because I got mad and yelled at her.
Though I have felt many times like expressing my frustration physically, I have never done that. I find I am filled with anger, self-loathing, and despair. If I had the courage, I'd end it, but I don't, so I guess it's either live with it or find a cure.
The problem I have found is that nobody wants to cure depression, they only want to treat it. Any advice?