Now Available! Dr. DeFoore's New Book GOODFINDING
Well where do I start? There's way too much stuff rattling around in my head (so if it's a bit hard to follow, I apologize).
I have a great loving, supporting close family and friends. I had a good childhood (working class) up bringing. Since I can remember though I've had this self loathing, but I thought most people felt like I did as a child and teenager. I've always thought of myself as thick, or academically challenged.
And I also considered myself never deserving of anything. I seem to worry about the needs of anyone else (even total strangers) before my own. I can also never speak up about issues I have with people and always go above and beyond the call of duty to help people. (I don't want to most of the time).
But I don't like conflict or feeling like I'm letting people down.
I found out my mum had depression when I was 26 after she had a breakdown and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I also found out then that her dad tried to commit suicide 3 times, so I guess he was probably bipolar too. But they didn't know what it was back in them days.
The amount of self hatred I have inside of me is ridiculous, and it makes me feel as though I hate everything. No matter where I am I get these bad thoughts all the time, or go over things that have happened in the past (things I should have said or done).
I also think of scenarios that have never happened and probably never will happen, for example, someone hurting my family or friends, and other weirder stuff. And as I think of these scenarios sometimes I won't know if I've been talking out loud or thinking it in my head. Is this depression, or am I just totally mental?
Every day I say to myself I just want to die. I don't think I do, but that thought just keeps popping into my head. God knows how many times a night I think it. Time is going way too fast and I just want to stop.
I'm 31 now, I can't go on for another 30 years like this. I'm not living I'm just killing time!
I hope somebody can make sense of this, but I won't get my hopes up.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Treemonkey, and thanks for telling your story here. First of all, if you were "totally mental," you wouldn't be asking that question. People who are that far gone don't usually know it. You know there's something wrong, and that's your sanity working for you. You know you should feel more of a sense of meaning and purpose in your life.
I don't know if I can help you here, but I will try. You may need more intensive, face to face therapy to overcome your difficulties, that's for you to decide.
I have written a lot about depression, in my book, and on this web site. Rather than saying it all again here, I'm going to refer you to those resources, which include exercises such as journaling processes that will help you to sort through your past emotional trauma and come to understand yourself better.
The pages on depression I recommend are: Signs Of Depression and Dealing With Depression And Anger
Make up your mind that you're going to understand your depression and heal it, Treemonkey. You can do this.
Just consider, for a moment, that you are a good person inside, who has emotional and psychological issues. And consider that you can heal.
Believe in the natural healing and goodness that is inside you.
My very best to you,
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