Out Of Control Outbursts And Rage
Hi, my name is joy. As far as I can remember I have always had a temper and over the years I'm afraid it has gotten worse. My early childhood I was raised by an aunt.
You see I was born without a father & growing up I knew there was a void. My mother married and she took me in after my step father insisted because he believed he had come into the marriage with his kids and so my mum should bring hers too.
I think I felt rejected by my mother from my earliest memories. Growing up, I had my share of crying. I felt unwanted especially by my mum and step siblings. My elder sisther bullied me. I remeber throwing tantrums, being so angry & bitter, by the time I was 13 I even had suicide thoughts.
The only channel of happiness I felt I had were the friends I made in school and television. After high school, I had my first real outburst after my mum accused me of doing something. I angrily told her I wanted to go to my real dad. She beat me so hard, and abused me in a way i've never forgotten.
After I went away to college I started drinking, going out, and had my fun friends. They were my life. I remember I used to thank god every day, thinking this is my family.
My relationship with my mother was getting worse, and I felt more alienated from the entire family. In 2008 I finally met my real dad. By that time I was not even talking to my mother, though she was there for the meeting.
I remember I just looked at him and felt nothing. All those years I used to fantasize about meeting my dada who would rescue me and give me all the love I felt I never had. I thought that he would fill the void inside.
Instead I just met a shadow of a guy I had imagined. He had so much baggage I didn't know where I fit. The relationship never worked out, and we lost touch.
The reason why I'm begging for your help is because I have become an abuser, emotional and physical. None of my relationships have worked out because I always feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Especially the current guy in my life. He is what I tend to think of as perfect. He comes from a good family, and has a good relationship with all the members. He has two boys that he adores and would do anything for them. He's intelligent and handsome, but from the start, I have had my anger outbursts, breakdowns and I'm afraid I'm losing him.
I can’t control myself. I know he loves me, but I have so many insecurities, I mean I have been hurt before and no matter how much I want to believe he's different I just can't stop imagining all these negative scenarios of how we'll break up.
I keep feeling like I'm not good enough for him, I have low self esteem, maybe because I'm battling to lose weight. I've always been overweight. I don't want to lose him. I want to get better and forget and forgive my past. How can I do that? After all the history?
JoyResponse from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Joy, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell that you're a good person, who has had a very difficult life, and you want to get better. I suggest that you do the three journaling processes described on this page
. If you really commit yourself to this, you will benefit greatly. These are powerful tools, but they only help if you use them regularly enough to become skilled.
And I think it would help you to work on your self love
. Everything hinges on your self image & self esteem.
Believe in yourself, Joy. Focus on becoming that good person you really are inside. You can do this!
My very best to you,
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