My Boyfriend Is So Angry

by S.S.
(U.K.)

I have reached the end of my tether with my boyfriend. 80% of the time he is lovely and kind. He tells me that I mean everything to him. Throughout our relationship he has had a tendency to "blow up" during rows.

An argument about something relatively small will escalate into a full scale screaming match with him being extremely verbally abusive, calling me names, saying things he knows will hurt me the most, telling me he doesn't trust me and that I'm obviously cheating on him. He says he will leave me, and tries to throw me out.

He often carries arguments on for ages. Even if I walk upstairs or go to bed to avoid it, he continues to come and start screaming or being threatening again. The last couple of episodes have been worse, with him grabbing me in a headlock, and once I actually thought he would hit me.



He often packs all his bags & then storms out of the house, returning later, full of apologies. Sometimes he admits he was out of order, but a lot of the time he just continues to insist it's my fault. He says I should just ignore him when he's like that & that he doesn't mean the things he says. It's like he just gets into a "zone" where he won't listen to any reason at all. He just turns everything around.

He says when he is calm again that he does know I love him and that when he's like that I shouldn't listen to what he says. He says he can't help it, but his behaviour is becoming increasingly threatening, and I don't think that him not being able to help himself is a valid excuse. Can you help? Or shall I just walk away?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

You are smart to try to get some help with this. This kind of situation can be very dangerous, especially now that it is becoming physical. I know you care about your boyfriend, but you have to put yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will.

I'm sure your boyfriend is a good person inside, but his behavior has become very destructive and dangerous. You won't be doing him any favors by allowing him to keep hurting and frightening you. If your relationship has any chance of being good, he is going to need to get some help. For now, you have to help yourself.

Your physical safety has to come first. Then, when you're safe, and if he really starts to get some help and improve, you might be able to improve the relationship. If you can't be physically safe living with him, then you may need to consider moving out or asking him to. Talk to some friends or a trusted confidant about this.

Relationships are all about love. You are having a hard time loving him right now, because of his blowups. Find a distance from which you can love him. Find a distance from which you can feel safe. Then, if things really and truly get better with him and you, the chance of a stronger, healthier love can grow. Or you may go your separate ways.

You might want to talk to someone at a battered women's shelter about this as well. They are very familiar with this type of situation, and will have some good advice for you.

I wish you the best with this. Feel free to write again if you want to.

Dr. DeFoore

P.S. If you found this to be helpful, please consider making a donation to this site to support our mission to help you become your own best anger management resource.

P.P.S. If you got something of value here, we would also greatly appreciate it if you would click the "Like" button at the top left corner of this page.

Comments for My Boyfriend Is So Angry

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Aug 10, 2011
Short tempered boyfriend
by: Anonymous

We have a four years relationship, but since the last year he has started verbally abusing me and my family. He thinks I don't love him, that I am cheating on him and that I will leave him. And now he seems to be just plainly not interested. When I am in trouble, he helps me, but otherwise he is just not bothered. He even hit me once.He holds me responsible for each failure in his life.I love him and confused about what to do? I do not want to leave him.

Nov 17, 2010
My boyfriend is angry what do i do
by: Anonymous

I am very young and I have stopped my life for my boyfriend, whom I love very much and I am living in an abusive relationship. For any little comment I say he gets mad at me, he walks away when I want to talk to him and he has hit me before. It's been a while since then but when we argue he gets in my face telling me what am I gonna do. I can't take it any more. I am scared to say anything. Nobody knows how we live just because he is happy one minute and in the next he wants to mistreat me. If he gets mad with any one I am the one he takes it out with. Please help I don't know what to do. I love him and I am scared of leaving but I don't know if that's the right thing to do?

Feb 25, 2010
My boyfriend is always angry
by: Anonymous

I have 4 children and been with him for 4yrs. My 2 older children are with my previous partner, my 2 youngest are with my current partner. I feel he treats them differently. He shouts at me and the children for no reason. I've had enough.

Apr 14, 2009
Get the hell out of there
by: Abby

Hi

When I first started reading your story I felt sorry for your boyfriend. I was an abused kid myself and it takes time to straighten yourself out. However, your boyfriend's behaviour is obviously escalating. That means, think about the scariest thing that's happened...it's going to get worse.

He may be a very loving boy underneath but he is putting you in physical danger. It's like a warning. Danger Danger Danger.

Even if you were doing something unfair to him, he does not have the capacity to handle it well. If you aren't doing anything unfair, that's an even bigger problem. He's making it your problem either way - a big sign that something isn't right.

No woman EVER gets involved with an abusive man. No, they get involved with someone loving, charming, funny, intelligent etc. By the time you realize that something isn't right, you have difficulty removing yourself because you love the person that they have shown you. We tend to blame ourselves because, if it's our fault, we can fix it. But it isn't our fault so we can never fix it.

Physical violence of any sort is NEVER okay. It's rings huge warning bells that you must not ignore. You don't have to be cruel to him but you have to get away. He needs help to come to terms with whatever is driving him to behave this way. Look after yourself.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Angry Guy Stories.