Will He Ever Change?
My partner and I have been seeing each other on and off for over 2 years. When I first met him I fell for all these GREAT qualities he portrayed, but as I got to know him, I found he was the complete opposite of what I thought. But by then, I had already fallen for him.
We used to live together but that didn't work out. My partner has a drinking problem. He is only in his mid twenties but has been drinking everyday for the past several years.
I don't know where to start or how to explain "my story" but lets just say everyone in our small town thinks the sun shines out of his ass and some think it is my fault he treats me this way. He blames me as well.
The longest I left him for was a few months as he ended up belting me one night in the street. The cops weren't much help, nor the ambulance as they love my partner.
I have been a stripper in the past, and have been out of home since I was 14 years old, so that has given me a black mark on my name, and he uses it against me all the time. He calls me a whore and a slut constantly and then says he never means it. When I yell back and agree that I'm a slut he grabs me and threatens me because I'm supposed to never say that about myself.
So what gives him the right to call me that?
I now live in another town an hour away. We have been seeing each other again and yet he hasn't changed, and it's only getting worse. I suffer depression because of the way he treats me and I have very low self esteem. Though when I first met him I was confident and happy.
Every time I try to leave, he promises that he will treat me right and that he will stop his ways. But I am constantly being let down and it has never stopped. He calls my mother a slut because she had an affair. Why cant I just leave?
He threatens that I don;t know who I'm messing with and I will see what he means when I leave. I'm afraid he will really harm me. He has threatened to hurt me, my family and my friends. How can he say he loves me and how on earth does anyone put up with this behaviour? What can I do?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for writing your story in this site. You are clearly a good person, and that's why you don't like what's going on with your partner.
Here are some thoughts to consider to begin with:
1) You need to get out of this relationship. This is clear, because he is verbally abusive to you, and you are afraid that he will hurt you and those you love physically.
2) You are in a "battered person syndrome," because you love someone who is abusive to you and you have a hard time leaving him.
3) You ask the question in the title of your story, "Will he ever change?" That is not the important question--maybe he will, maybe he won't. The important question for you is, "What do I need to do to make sure I am safe?"
4) I know you said you have low self-esteem. That is why you put up with his abuse. So, what you absolutely must do is act as if you loved yourself more than you love him. If that was true, what would you do? The answer is easy--you'd stay as far away from him as possible.
5) Look for someone in your world who believes in you, and recognizes that you are being abused. Get that person (or those people) to help you find a way to stay safe. You can also find a "battered women's shelter at your local court clerk's office or look in the yellow pages for a "crisis hotline."
6) Read this page on how to deal with abusive relationships. Follow all of the recommendations.
7) From what you have told me, there is absolutely no reason for you to think he will change or the situation will get better. He is an alcoholic, from what you describe--and as long as he's drinking his first love will be alcohol. You have to take care of yourself.
And consider this about yourself:
1) You are worthy of love, kindness and gentle caring treatment from others. Learn about loving yourself and your inner child here.
2) You deserve to be respected and treated well, regardless of who you have been or what you have done in the past.
3) You are a good person, and you want to love and be loved. That is who you are.
4) Believe in yourself. Put yourself first.
5) Never, ever give up on yourself.
Keep writing on this site if you like. There are people here who will help you.
My best to you in your journey to self-respect and self love,
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