Widow With Young Twins
My daughters lost their father a week before kindergarten due to an accident at work. One of my daughters seems to be doing okay. The other daughter is angry and it is affecting her school work and home life. She trips children as they get on and off the bus, makes faces at them, hits them, calls them names.
In school she shouts out in class, cries when she does not get her way, and is over all an unpleasant child. She is angry at home as well. We started counseling and the counselor has only seen her once and has seen her sweet side. I am very concerned about how to handle her at home.
I have taken toys away, sent her to her room, yelled at her, hugged her and told her how much I loved her and that she should not act this way. Nothing is working.
I am struggling too to keep our home together. Finances are not a problem and there is no male role model in her life. Only her sister and I. She also thinks that her father's father, her grandfather who did not want anything to do with either of our children when my husband was a live, is evil. He was involved in the accident that killed her father and could possibly be to blame for it and she feels like he is evil and he killed her father.
I am at my wit's end.....please advise.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I am sorry for your loss, and I'm sure your husband's death is part of what's going on with them. Unresolved or unexpressed grief can and often does cause anger problems and related behavior problems. I will try to help.
First, I suggest that you make sure you have done/are doing your own grieving. Take a look at this page on the stages of grief, and follow the steps for yourself. This may help you to come up with some ideas about how to help your daughters with their grief.
I suggest that you take some time every week or so, to sit down with your daughters and talk about what they remember and miss about their father. Swap stories, look at pictures and let yourselves feel all of your feelings. This may be scary to you, but it is a way of honoring your husband, the girls' father, and your own emotional processes. You will do yourself and your daughters a great service if you do this.
If this doesn't get the results you want, you might want to learn about the audio program below. Just click on the image to listen to free previews or get your copy with a full satisfaction guarantee.
Most of all, believe in yourself, and the natural well being within your daughter. Focus on her positive aspects, and expect the best of her, no matter what. Her emotions and actions are telling a story, and it's your job to "hear" the story and give her the guidance, direction and support she needs.
I know you're a good person and a good mother, that's why you told your story here. You can do this. Make up your mind you're going to learn and grow and become a better mother through this experience.
My very best to you,