Why Do I Feel Like The Bad Guy In Relationships?
I've been in 3 long term relationships. The first one we dated after high school and I got pregnant. He told me it was my business what I did. Being a molested child I couldn't see myself raising a child in a home of instability and I really wanted and believed in my religious upbringing that a child needs a father and mother for a healthier upbringing.
I got married and was divorced within the year because I cheated on him. His friends couldn't accept the fact that we were married and I wasn't liked from the beginning. Then he started working nights and didn't have any goals or didn't care about us. I felt like a mom in the relationship, doing the cooking, cleaning and keeping the house perfect for him.
Then after feeling unappreciated of my efforts, I cheated and left him for the next guy. The second relationship lasted 8 years. At the beginning of this relationship it was rocky because I wasn't completely divorced from my first. But there was no pressure there. It was coming more from the fact that I was friends with his boss and I felt like I was the messenger at times.
Then after he left the job, he was still angry at life; but we still managed to love one another. I still felt like the mom figure with cooking, cleaning and feeling unappreciated.
I wanted to remarry and start a family. I kept getting excuses that it wasn't the right time or we didn't have a house. So we bought a home a year before we broke up and he started drinking excessively and taking medication for his bipolar disorder.
I was pregnant after 3 years with this guy and he didn't want it and I didn't want to be a single mom. So he paid for my abortion. Well, after this the sex stopped completely. He didn't want me and this really hurt. I felt unpretty unloved and even though we discussed it we weren't physical to each other. I expressed my concerns and questioned him constantly why he didn't want me anymore. I felt that because I gained weight and was over 200 lbs that this was an issue. After losing some weight, I still wasn't attractive and his behavior was worse.
So it wasn't hard to find affection elsewhere. Within the few years of our relationship, I felt that because of my family and the values they taught me, I felt judged. Like I was just like them and that I probably have no reason having children. After I left, I met up with someone who I used to work with. We used to argue a lot but stayed friends throughout the years. We ended up married 1 year after my breakup.
We didn't think that we were moving too fast because we both wanted a family and I found someone who was brought up with the same religion background as me. Well now I feel like I left one relationship with the same excuses over and over and began where I left off in this new relationship.
At the beginning I was about 177 lbs and was really happy that I was almost at my high school weight. But I wasn't getting much affection from my future husband. I'm still hearing the same excuses. In October I was amazed and ecstatic in finding out I was pregnant but in November prior to our wedding I miscarried after one month of being pregnant. This was the last time I was physically involved with my husband. I was crushed.
My husband was supportive until it started to reflect my working out routine. I gave up. I didn't want to exercise as much and was hoping that we would try again in the future. Well 4 years later and I am still waiting and hearing the same stories. My weight is easily over 240 lbs but I don't care. I think it's my way of getting back or something illogical. I'm 35 years old and I don't feel like my life is progressing in the way I hoped.
My husband and mom do not get along. My husband is more strict than my past 2 relationships but communicates more. But we don't see eye to eye almost all the time. He is working nights and I work days. I seem to have a relationship where the guys ends up working night jobs and I feel that somewhere it's my fault because maybe I am not easy to live with. My husband doesn't make love to me; neither did my ex because after I was pregnant. I am lost, insecure and unsure of any future in having a stable relationship.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Tanya, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell that you really want to be healthy and happy, and that you want to feel loved for who you are. That is good, and it makes perfect sense.
There are a couple of things I want you to think about:
1) You mentioned that recently you have gotten to the point where you "don't care" regarding your weight and health. This has nothing to do with the men in your life, past or present. This is about your relationship with yourself. How do you want to feel? What weight feels good to you? That's all that matters. You need to feel good about yourself, and care for yourself. If you don't do that, others will not be able to care about you even if they try. You have to come first in your life, Tanya.
2) You may also be dealing with some grief issues. Emotional healing after an abortion can be very challenging, and then you had a miscarriage after that. I suggest that you look at this page on the stages of grief, and try to work through the losses you have experienced. Unresolved grief can turn into bitterness, anger, depression and physical problems. Again, this is an aspect of taking care of yourself.
You have been too focused on the men in your life, and not enough on yourself. Make up your mind to become the person you choose to be, body, mind and spirit.
You mentioned that you were molested as a child. Read this page on child abuse, and follow the recommendations for journaling and imagery you find there. Adult dysfunctional relationships often come from unresolved childhood issues.
I suggest you start doing the positive journaling described on the journaling page, on a daily basis. Focus especially on what you appreciate about yourself.
Make up your mind to love yourself, Tanya. Make up your mind to feel good about who you are and the life you're living. No one is responsible for that but you.
You can do this. Trust your good heart.
My very best to you,
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