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Unloving My Ex And It Feels Like Revenge

by Bea
(Toronto, Canada)

My husband had an affair after 19 years of marriage, just after my Dad passed away. I forgave him and we stayed together, moved our family (3 children) to another city for his job. He traveled with work more and more, had another affair and left me and our three children and moved to the US to be with her.

I am very hurt, feel terribly betrayed and feel bad for our children who are now 18-25. He wants our children to visit him in the US and ultimately meet his affair partner. Naturally, he believes that all is well as he was with her long before he left me. To me and my kids, this is relatively new and hurts. They don't want to meet her.

He travels with his affair partner, flies to our city and brings her to our cottage, and doesn't have a lot of time for our children. He is a selfish, self-centered man. While I know it's wrong, I want them to know what I know about her so they won't like her. I know he is still their father but it's hard to bite me tongue, though I have thus far.

I want him to hurt like he hurt me. I wish no harm on him, of course, but I have a need to know that he is suffering on some level. That would be my revenge. He is having fun with her, hanging out with her younger children (he never had much time for ours), while I am doing my best to take care of myself and my kids, trying to move forward but hurting every single day. It's been 8 months since he left.

I've decided that it's easier on me to defriend him on Facebook, wipe him out of my life as much as I can and not see him. I need to unlove him as he doesn't love me anymore. We were friends/partners for 32 years so this really hurts and he is being very insensitive. I found out recently that he was showing inappropriate pics of her to his fishing buddies and they were not impressed. He is behaving very immaturely. How do I move on in a healthy way? I know wanting revenge is wasting energy. I know it is easier to think healthy thoughts and move on. Any advice would be great.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Bea, and thanks for telling your story here. Your anger at your husband and your desire for revenge are perfectly healthy and normal. The goal at this point is to not let him hurt you any more than he already has.

I suggest you look at these pages, in order to grieve the loss of what you had with your husband, let go and move on with your life:

Letting go of a relationship

Grieving techniques

Use the techniques provided on these pages, and you can shift your focus to your own continuing life, and let go of the anger and pain related to the betrayal and infidelity from your husband.

It is my belief, Bea, that no one gets away with anything in this life. "What goes around comes around." At some point, and even now on a subconscious level, your husband is feeling the consequences for his behavior. Life has a way of bringing justice and balance so that everyone has to deal with the results of their actions. If you don't share this belief, I suggest you research a philosophy or belief system that suggests this. It will give you a lot of peace of mind.

The best revenge is a happy life, Bea. Love yourself and make up your mind that you're going to be better without him in your life.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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