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Together 5 Years And Unfaithful

by Mary
(Elk Grove Village, IL)

I have been in a relationship with a man for 5yrs. We have known each other for over 13 years. We started our relationship as an affair.

Obviously, I know not the best way to begin. I was separated, though legally still married. His wife left him as she ended up confessing to an affair. Needless to say our relationship carries too much secrecy.

We are both now divorced still together but I have an issue as he has a friendship with another woman whom he text messages everyday and speaks to often. Not a day goes by they do not connect somehow. It's been that way for over 2yrs and our relationship has taken a turn for the worse when I bring up the friend.

My first true love left me for my best friend when I was 17. My husband of 13 yrs had an affair on me in the first year of our marriage while I was pregnant. I stayed for the sake of our child. I never got over it. My entire marriage was filled with verbal, physical and emotional abuse.

I left and found comfort in my friend who then became my lover and now boyfriend. I have every belief that he will in turn leave me for another woman--this woman who is younger, no baggage and much more attractive than I. Each time we speak he tells me things that drive him crazy about me.

I feel as though I am fighting an up hill battle. I pay for his cell phone so he knows I have access to seeing how many calls and text messages he makes a day. I am sad to say I continue to go down this path as I do not have any self esteem.

I am such a confident person in the business world and successful, but horrible at my own relationship. Each time I talk to my boyfriend about this woman he says no one but you knows me indepth. However, every woman he has had a close friendship with has admitted feelings for him.

I don't know how to handle this anymore. He is secretive about all of his goings on even though I feel as though she is taking my fun place with him.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Mary, and thanks for telling your story here. It is clear that you are subconsciously creating and re-creating a relationship pattern of infidelity. Yes, your partners are responsible for their own unfaithfulness, but you're responsible for your part in choosing them and for getting involved in affairs.

You may not want to or be able to do this, but I suggest that you break up with your current partner and spend some time outside of any intimate relationship other than friendships. You need to heal the pattern within yourself that causes you to continually get involved in these types of unfaithful relationships.

I suggest about a year of being single, during which you read Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. It is time for you to learn how to create a relationship in which you will be honored and respected, and deeply loved by someone with integrity enough to be faithful.

If you can't do this, then at least stop paying his cell phone bill. Tell him what you want, and don't settle for anything less.

Make up your mind to only be in relationships in which you are respected and loved by a faithful partner.

I also suggest you read this web page: letting go of a relationship.

Do this for yourself, Mary. You are worthy of true love.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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