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Time To Stop The Cycle

by Natasha
(New Zealand)



I just left an abusive relationship. He has a drinking problem as well. When he drinks his abusiveness gets worse.

He’ll change just after a couple. I’ve tried to tell him how it affects myself and our 15 yr old son but he's adamant he doesn't have a problem. He blames it on me and thinks I'm difficult to live with and I'm trying to change him.


We tried counseling but in the end he went twice to the alcohol one. It's called CADs in New Zealand. But he did it only because I wanted him to leave. He thinks he's fine.

Couples counseling didn't help because abusive people don't want to meet in the middle--just control and make you wrong. I am getting counseling and have learned I'm following my mum and dad's pattern of enabling an alcoholic.

My ex could be my dad's son, they are so alike. My ex's mum was an alcoholic too. I'm just tired of it all. I'm glad I'm out of it now. I just don't feel free yet.

I still have to put up with abuse when dealing with our son. I feel like I'm still in it sometimes. I'm trying to separate the person from the addiction.




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Natasha, and thanks for telling your story here. I want to congratulate you for getting out of this abusive relationship. That takes a lot of courage, and many people reading your story will benefit by the example you have set.

I also respect and admire your willingness to look at your own personal history, and how your relationship was a reflection of your past relationships. This is excellent insight, and will serve you well as you move forward to a life of healthier relationships.

Now, for that feeling of freedom you want...that is easier said than done, in your circumstances, but certainly not out of your reach. Your task is to make all interactions with your son’s father purely practical and focused on the necessary arrangements for your son. I know that is not simple by any means. But it will really help you to always keep your focus on the welfare of your son, and not allow yourself to be drawn into conflict with his father.

This is a kind of spiritual challenge for you, if you choose to see it that way. Your freedom is yours and yours alone, and no one can take it from you. Use the steps describe on this page entitled letting go of a relationship. Letting go is all about connecting with the goodness and value of yourself, Natasha. Holding onto another ends when you make a strong commitment to holding on to your own heart as your most important priority.

You can do this. You can be free...and a part of you already is. Tune into the freedom inside you.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

P.S. If you got something of value here, we would also greatly appreciate it if you would click the "Like" button at the top left corner of this page.

Comments for Time To Stop The Cycle

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Apr 25, 2014
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Feeling free
by: Natasha

It's been nearly eight months since I freed myself from an abusive relationship. I physically and mentally feel so much better. I am grateful for the insight into myself, help from my councillor and wonderful sites like this. It's much easier to emotionally detach from my exe's actions and words. I'm grateful for the advice to put my son first and to not get engaged with the nonsense. As time goes on I can finally feel free.

My son is doing well. He loves the peace we have in our house. I can talk to him and he feels free to chat about anything that arises even when it concerns his father whom he still has contact with. We deal with any issues as they arise. To step back sometimes is hard as he is finding his dad difficult to deal with at times and he is learning also to deal with frustrations that occur with lack of respect and not been able to communicate with him. He's 15 and I just support him. He will no doubt make a decision whether he wants to continue a relationship with his father or not. I can only monitor what is going on and talk about what crops up. I know he is physically safe with him and as long as my son and I communicate we can nut things out.

Thanks guys. I will continue to grow and love and respect myself so I can make good choices in the future.

Dec 05, 2013
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Gratitude
by: Natasha

Thank you both for the kind encouraging words. I will definitely focus on my son and show him that I can forgive and move on. I am blessed to have lots of wise advice and support. Learning about abuse and it's different forms has opened my eyes and validated what I went through.

Nov 26, 2013
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Congratulations!
by: Forest Nana

Natasha...so proud of your strength to leave the abusive relationship! I know that it couldn't have been easy and you are probably still dealing with it due to your son's relationship. I just had one thing to add to the Dr.'s really encouraging words. Your son is a teenager AND a boy so there will be difficult times for you and him. Not to discourage you, but just so you are "aware" that hormones play a BIG part with him right now. He is not only having to deal with your seperation from the dad, but his own personal physical changes. Hopefully you have or will have a sit-down with him and talk about what has occured between you and your X and "why" you had to seperate (for YOUR own health to say the least). Giving the "reasons" why are so important. You'll make it...keep at it!
Blessings,
Sheryl

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