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The Almost Great Boyfriend

by Emily
(Minneapolis, MN)

My boyfriend can be (and usually is) great - thoughtful, sweet, caring, etc. We rarely fight, but when we do argue he often screams and swears. Sometimes he swears at me. Sometimes he'll kick and punch furniture or doors.

I have told him so many times to stop. He claims he has never talked like this to past girlfriends, but he thinks because his needs are not always met or that I am not listening to him when he tells me things he needs, and that that is why he talks to me the way he does. In one breath he'll say that he knows it's wrong but in the other breath he'll imply that I'm the reason he elevates to that level and so really it's my fault.

I've even give him ultimatums before. Even though these outbursts are rare, they are still hurtful and make it difficult to move forward. I know that I'm not perfect, but it's not as though I intentionally try to hurt him. Sometimes I feel like he is intentionally trying to hurt me because he knows how terrible it makes me feel when he screams and swears.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Emily, and thanks for telling your story here. You are in a tough spot, and yet you're not a helpless victim. You are totally in control of how you respond to your boyfriend, even though you can't do anything about his behavior.

I suggest you review these pages and the other visitor stories at the end of the pages. I think you'll find the guidance you need.

how to deal with abusive relationships
letting go of a relationship

You will see on those pages, Emily, that you have to learn to put yourself first. Only you can know when it's time to keep trying and when it's time to move on.

Believe in yourself and your own inner wisdom, and take care of yourself, body, mind and spirit.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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