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Rageaholic Husband

by Karen
(Indianapolis, IN)

I have been with my husband for 18 years. We have 4 children (2 boys 16 and 13, and 2 girls 8 & 6). I have been a stay at home mother for 14+years. My husband will be fine for weeks at a time and then explode over the most trivial of things.

When he rages he says the most hateful things to me. About how he wants a divorce and how he is going to cut me off financially, I'm a b____ and lazy (I home school our children, provide daycare for 5 other children and just started a home based business)all this in front of the kids. Everything in our marriage that goes wrong is my fault. It's like talking in circles to try and reason with him. After his raging he refuses to speak to time it was for 6 weeks. He is now starting to rage at my kids and will refuse to speak to them for days.

Three weeks ago he was raging and I had just had enough! I stood up to him and he grabbed me (again in front of the kids). He was shaking with anger and I was afraid he was going to hit me. As it was he let go, but left fingerprint bruises on one of my arms. Again, would not speak to me for a couple of weeks and sleeps on the couch.

He cries about how we don't love him and how the kids have nothing much to do with him. He then called the kids upstairs and dropped the bombshell that he is moving out of state. The kids were so upset! He told me he would still support us financially, but there was nothing for him here anymore. He said he was offered another job over a month ago and he's been thinking it over (this is all news to me about a job offer). I do not believe one word he says because along with his raging there is quite a bit of lying. He then pouted and moped the whole next day.

This morning I called a divorce lawyer. Not sure that I want a divorce, but I at least need to find out what to do to protect my kids financially before/if he leaves the state. This is such a mess! I just can't fix him and I cannot tolerate this behavior any longer.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Karen, and thanks for telling your story here. Your thinking sounds very clear. You said, "I just can't fix him and I cannot tolerate this behavior any longer." That pretty much tells you what you need to know.

You also said you're not sure you want a divorce. Most people don't...divorce is not a pleasant experience, and can be very stressful. Your decision is more a matter of whether you want to stay married to a man who is growing increasingly abusive to you and your children. If not, then divorce is of course your only option for keeping yourself and your children safe.

The only hope for your husband getting better is if he personally chooses to get help...a lot of help, in the form of indepth professional counseling.

You seem to be moving in a direction that makes sense. Trust yourself, and create a safe home for your children.

Read this page on letting go of a relationship, and follow the recommendations you find there.

You can do this, Karen. Believe in yourself and your inner wisdom to know what's right.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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