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One Year Later Still Sad & Angry

by Zara
(NZ)


My darling man was paranoid about my previous life of promiscuity. But I knew I wouldn’t stray with him. I am loyal, and because I have dated many men, I knew I wasn’t missing anything.

However I harbored anger about these accusations he was making. Eventually my anger turned to bitterness. One time I was away and complaining about my partner to my mum. She said "You better be careful" and in that moment I had an epiphany.

When I returned home I apologized for not reassuring him and being so cold.

We had the most amazing month, until a friend called to say my partner had been sleeping with another woman while I was away. She had seduced him. I know that...but he had gone back to her place several times over two weeks.

Until I came back and apologized.

When I emailed this woman. She lied and said she hadn’t known about me. But my partner said she did.

He and I are still together and apart from my deep pain, we are very happy. He has watched me in this state of pain for over a year, and even cried with me. He apologized a thousand times. He has given up his addictions, which did make a huge difference to his own anger issues.

He sees how selfish the act was and he deeply regrets it.

I can’t get her out of my mind. I want her to suffer. I feel like she has gotten away with it.

I have also done the same thing as she did...many times I have turned men’s eyes from their partners when I was younger but I stopped that destructive behavior. Maybe I'm getting my karma.

I want to go see her. I want her to feel my pain. I would just talk, realistically...but I have been so humiliated. Since she was the one who told my friends,

I have been publicly humiliated, and lost friends because I have stayed with him. Other friends tell me I'm doing the right thing by staying with him and moving past this.

But her.... she is stuck in my mind on loop. I have cried and raged too long for a person on meds with a kidney transplant. Help me stop my mind going crazy with thoughts of this woman.

Sadness abounds.

Thanks in advance.

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May 23, 2019
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Your Relationship With Yourself
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Zara - Thanks for telling your story here, so that others might benefit.

A couple of very important things I would like you to consider:

1) I think you are seeing men as victims to women's seductions, as if they had less responsibility for their own infidelity. You mentioned, "She seduced him," as if that were a relevant factor, and somehow made your man less responsible. You also talked about your own personal history of "turning men's eyes away from their wives," once again seeing them as helpless victims to a woman's seductions. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Anyone, male or female, who is unfaithful in their marriage or relationship is 100% responsible for their actions.

2) There is something that we do unconsciously as human beings, called projection. You clearly have not fully forgiven yourself for your own past behavior, even though you have stopped being promiscuous, as you stated in your story. As a result of not fully forgiven yourself, you find it impossible to forgive this other woman. I suggest that you read this article describing how to deal with your resentment without making things worse. It also talks a lot about forgiveness.

I recommend also that you do the journaling processes on this page, which will help you deal with your anger, forgive, and move on with your life.

You are a good person, Zara, which is why you are asking for help here. You want to do the right thing. Whatever you do, do not approach that other woman. The problem and solution is within you.

Believe in yourself and your own good heart, and follow these recommendations, and you will feel better.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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