Nothing Is Ever Good Enough For My Husband After 18 Years Of Marriage
I have been with my husband for almost 18 yrs, we were high school sweethearts. I got pregnant 1 yr after high school, but my husband continued to go away to college for the first 2 yrs of our daughter's life.
I didn't want him to feel pressured to stay around at a local school. During his third year of school we moved in together, there was a lot of issues of trust on his part, he didn't like me hanging out with my friends but it was never a problem when he did.
During our first couple of yrs of living together there was a lot of adjusting mainly by me, I was expected to do what was needed around the house, care for our child, take care of him, and work full time overnight. Needless to say I was young and naive and didn't have a clue what I was doing.
Finally, after 7 yrs of being together we got married in Vegas which was fine I was just happy to be with him. My weight has always gone up and down, but now it seemed liked he would pick at every little thing that I was eating and started calling me fat and lazy. So I would start working out so I didn't have to hear those words again.
The past two years have been stressful on the both of us. He was out of work for over a year but did not seem overly concerned about the situation and expected me to take care of the bills. So being under this stress I put on about 15 pounds and haven't been able to get rid of it.
And he is not afraid to tell me that he doesn't find me attractive, I'm fat, overweight and lazy; and that if I don't change something he doesn't know how much longer he is going to stay around. I am at the end of my rope and want to do the right thing but I don't know what it is.
I know I need to lose some weight but I think that there are better ways to talk to a person about this situation without making them feel worthless and like something you want to scrape off the bottom of their shoe. How do I make this stop? Do I let him leave?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Janet, and thanks for telling your story here. It sounds like you have been doing a lot of accommodating for your husband, perhaps too much. It is time for you to make up your mind to be healthy, for yourself...not for him or anyone else. And when I say healthy, I mean healthy in every way.
The type of verbal abuse you describe is not healthy or justified, regardless. Make up your mind that you will be treated with respect, and when you can do so with confidence and calmness, tell your husband that you will be respected in all of your relationships. And then begin setting boundaries about how you want to be treated, and suggest that the two of you read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples together. If he is unwilling to do this, you may want to consider marriage counseling. If he's unwilling to do that, then read about this relationship advice.
It all boils down to what you want for yourself in your life, Janet. If you allow your husband to continue to abuse you, things will probably continue to go down hill. Give your marriage every chance, but if he's unwilling to do his part, you can't make it good by yourself.
I hope this helps.
My very best to you,