My Son Was Molested And Now He's Angry
My now 5 yr old son, was molested at the age 3, by his 8 yr old male cousin. This was the straw that broke the camel's back as far as his relationship with his dad.
His dad and I are divorced. Lincoln is the youngest of 3 boys. The other 2 are now 10 and 8. Upon becoming pregnant with Lincoln, his father denied him and continued to deny him for the first 6 months of his life, when DNA proved him to be the father. In the few years after, my children were exposed to many things while with their dad. Anywhere from him giving the kids beer to another child falling out a second story window while my boys were with him.
The bad part about that was, they were 2 hours away from me and he left them with a neighbor that had just been in trouble with the police for leaving their 2 yr old and an infant home alone! I wasn't able to get my boys due to finances and was even threatened by their dad and his friends.
When my son was molested, I had decided against better judgement, to let the boys travel to another state to see their grandmother that was about to pass away. While there, their dad did a lot of drinking and less fathering, giving the other child ample chance to harm my son. He took him into this wooded area to "play", while the other kids were playing on a nearby trampoline.
I first learned of the molestation within a couple days of the boys being home with me. We were at daycare and Lincoln was acting very unusual and saying inappropriate things. It threw up a red flag and upon the director and assistant director speaking with him, they got the same story that I just told.
I wanted to crawl under a rock!! As a child, I had been molested by an adult, which was never dealt with, and now my baby has been hurt in the same manner. At first the dad was supportive but when state began investigating his sister's home, he withdrew and said my 3 yr old was making it up. All I could do was make sure my son got the help he needed, although I was certain something had to have happened to the other boy in order for him to act in this manner toward my son.
I got Lincoln into therapy, where he was for 1 yr. In that year, he cut up his clothes, became aggressive in many ways (physically and sexual attempts) and acted out in any way he could. We took a break from therapy because it was decided that Lincoln was associating therapy with him being "bad", therefore, he would act out in one way or another the same day as his therapy visit or the next day.
Today, his behavior is becoming better but he is very defiant and I am certain it's because he doesn't understand and he's angry. Recently, he approached me and said he wanted medicine to make him stop thinking about "nasty" things. What do you say to a 5 year old about this kind of stuff? I do my best to just be honest with him but within reason of his age.
Not only am I dealing with his anger but I'm dealing with the anger within myself, as well as, the anger within his 2 brothers. They tend to act out trying to get my attention since Lincoln gets so much of it now. It's a vicious circle that I am dealing with on my own because their dad has chosen to exclude himself. I understand that his "anger" may not seem aggressive but it really is with his behavior since this incident occurred. Any cost effective tips would be greatly appreciated.....for the entire family! Thanks
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Leslie, and thanks for telling your story here. Your concerns are certainly valid, and I will try to help.
First, I suggest you deal with your own childhood trauma. If you can't afford counseling, you might try this process:
To help with your own emotional healing process, I strongly encourage you to read and follow all of the guidelines on this FAQ page. The more you put into this, the more benefit you'll receive.
Regarding help for your children, I highly recommend you try to find a play therapist for your son who was molested. You will also learn a lot about how to help him from this CD program, which you can also download.
Believe in the goodness and the natural healing processes in your children, and in yourself. Your goal is to support and facilitate this healing, which will happen naturally in a positive, loving environment.
My very best to you,
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