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My Partner And Me

by Becki

I have been with my boyfriend now for nearly six years. I love him with all my heart but there has been a few occasions where he's just lost it.

We could just be having a rational conversation, and I might say something he disagrees with or visa versa and he'll flip, smashing up anything in his way. We are happy as a whole but I can't really see where the anger is coming from. He says he's happy with me but how can he be?

He has no major problems in life just minor things. But this isn't the issue. He says he only smashes things because he doesn't want to harm me.

What do I do? I am pushing for him to see someone but he doesn't want to admit he's got a problem. He says also after he has his outbursts that he doesn't know what he's doing until after it's done. Please help.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Becki, and thanks for telling your story here. Your boyfriend has some pretty serious anger issues, if he blanks out his memory during the outbursts. As you know, he needs to take responsibility for his own anger, or it will probably just get worse.

For your part, you need to take care of yourself. You say he doesn't want to admit he has a problem. That basically means you will live with this as long as you stay with him. I'm not saying for you to break up, that's your decision. I'm just saying that it is your responsibility to take care of yourself, and if you don't take care of yourself, no one can.

I suggest you find a safe distance from which to love him. It's not safe for you to be around him during his outbursts, since he's not consciously aware of what he's doing at those times. There are reasons for his anger, and only he can figure those out and heal them. You can't push him into that.

I suggest that you read the following web page, designed to help people in your situation: in love and in an abusive relationship.

I also suggest that you learn about nurturing your inner child, so that you can love yourself enough to do the right thing for your safety and well being.

You will do the right thing for yourself, Becki. Believe in yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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