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My Mother And My Sister And My Anger

by Rojas
(Houston, TX)

My mother, who I adore and I am really proud of, never listens to me. She prefers to listen to my older sister over me.

I am not jealous of my sister. I love her dearly too and my nieces. It's just that she doesn't listen to any of my suggestions or issues that I have. I always tell all my problems to my mother, since I prefer talking to her than to any other person. But when I do this, she just tells me I am an emotional child.

I've been the perfect daughter to her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really appreciate me. I just want her to listen once in her lifetime.

Today, I threw my hot chocolate at her and it only missed her by an inch. I felt really awful. She knows that I have a bad temper all the time but it's like she just totally forgets about it.

Before I threw the hot chocolate, I walked out of the room and tried to breathe and calm my self down. When I went inside she was still fighting and provoking me. Then I tried to talk to her calmly but she still keeps on fighting and refusing to listen to me.

Then I cried to her and she still keeps fighting with me, instead of consoling me or something. That's where I went into a rage that I threw the hot chocolate that I was drinking. So, my questions are, Do I need anger management classes? Am I a bad person? Who is wrong in this situation?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Rojas, and thanks for telling your story here. First, I'll answer your questions. You are not a bad person. Anger management classes might help, but I doubt it. And regarding who is wrong, you and your mother both have responsibility for what happened.

It sounds to me like you're an adult, still living with your mother. Some things you said caught my attention: "I've been the perfect daughter to her" and "I always tell all my problems to my mother, since I prefer talking to her than to any other person." This tells me that you are in an unhealthy enmeshed relationship with your mother. Your focus needs to be on yourself and your personal growth and development, not being the perfect daughter to your mother.

I suggest that you read this FAQ page, which will help you to let go of your mother, and ideally focus on creating a good life for yourself as an adult.

I think it will also help you to read the following page on relationships:

letting go of a relationship

Make up your mind to take full responsibility for yourself as an adult, Rojas. Otherwise, try to accept your mother as she is, and possibly get into those anger management classes. In every case I've seen where adult daughters and sons live at home with their parents, there is conflict and turmoil, but you have to decide what's right for yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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