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My Low Self Esteem Invited The Wrong Guy

by Maria
(Eastern Canada)

Healing After Unfaithfulness

Healing After Unfaithfulness

Recently, my husband has decided to vacate our three year marriage. Together a total of 15 years.

I caught him cheating with a co-worker that is in another time zone, most has been online. I forwarded their emails to each other to my email. Then I confronted her by calling her and I told her to guard herself accordingly.

I then confronted him. He fell apart told me we are facing a wake up call and let's focus on why not what. I agreed. No yelling and screaming, no drama. No arguments. I knew it was over. I was on auto pilot.

Of course coincidentally he was scheduled to go to a conference with her in her home town for two weeks. When he left I packed my things and went to a lawyer. I found a letter he wrote her telling her he loved her and understood why she would not leave her husband.

This is her 3rd marriage at 35 years of age and cheating on #3. I called him and told him he could have her if he loved her and let's move on. He texted his reply that he wanted out. I said ok.

Now he is furious with me. What gives? What is the deal with cheaters and their insane rage over the quiet acceptance of the end of something he didn't want in the first place? I'm exhausted and now being bullied by him.

Now that I am free I see the abuse for what it was....abuse. Every single thing I do I second guess my worth in doing it. I hear his sarcastic words and his ridicule. I find myself walking through certain parts of the house with my shoulders up to my ears cringing at remembering asking him if he would like a coffee. Sarcastic answer if I did ask and ridicule if I didn't.

I have to tell myself I am not stupid, still with disbelief, on a minute by minute basis. He told me if I knew what he really thought of me I'd kill myself. Pfft.

A broken nose. A head slammed in the door, a shove down a staircase. A choke out. 5 infidelities that I know of. All because I loved him but what I really loved was an illusion. I just wanted normal.

My low self esteem invited the wrong guy. The world is a precarious place to be with low self esteem. The point to all this is, I dodged a bullet. I got hit but I didn't die.

Now I wake up alone but with my old self. I like her. I remember her. I carry a picture around of myself when I was 9. To remind myself. I had a sexually abusive childhood with alcohol, etc., like so many others.

Looking at that picture, I ask myself, "Would you want that for her? If you saw someone abusing her...would you allow it? No? Then why for yourself?"

Carry a picture of your young self and take it out and look at yourself and ask that question. Men as well. There are many men that suffer at the hands of abusive selfish women. I will not spend another second allowing anyone to take any more life out of my precious little girl. I win. Run, girls and boys.

If someone abuses you do yourself and them a favour and run away. You die. Everything in between is your choice. Make it wise. Even when it hurts.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Maria, and thanks for telling your story here. Wow...I am so impressed with your story, and the strength and clarity of what you have shared here. I am going to do my best to make sure this is read by as many people as possible, and I encourage you to do the same. You are offering something of great value here.

I don't really have any advice for you, because I think you're already doing everything you need to do. I couldn't agree more with the advice you offer to your readers.

Your suggestions about carrying a photo of your young self and vowing to protect her reminds me very much of my Nurturing Your Inner Child audio program. You have excellent insight for how to go about self healing and self protection.

I know you will do well, Maria, and I encourage you to write for this site again, if you feel inclined. Your contributions will always be welcome.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

P.S. If you got something of value here, we would also greatly appreciate it if you would click the "Like" button at the top left corner of this page.

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Apr 10, 2014
So Glad You're Free To Really Live Again
by: anon

Hello, and thank you for sharing! I'm also a survivor of childhood abuse and the lifelong legacy of diagnosed PTSD, social anxiety due to the abuse reaching (without my knowledge) into the next generation (eg. my own children) by the same person.

My marriage broke down and I became a single parent...then I found "love" or as you so well put it "wanted normal" and stayed in an abusive relationship for 20 years.

Life unfolds and as I near 60 years old I am finally finding peace with who I am...a wonderful little girl and mother and grandmother.

I am so grateful for the love that is in this wonderful world and for people like us who maybe can give hope to other people by our stories.

One thing for me was the incredible fear of leaving that kept me stuck for decades. I wish I could reassure just one other person that what they are going through right now is probably a million times worse that what they will feel when they leave. I would say, "It will be hard, but you are worth so much more than you can begin to imagine."

In the words of my own beautiful grandmother "you have to love yourself before you can begin to love others"

Wishing you the very best, Maria.

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