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My Husband Blames Me For Things Not My Fault

by Anonymous

My husband goes to AA. When he is really stressed, he blames me. For instance, he is scheduled for a hernia repair operation tomorrow.

He is supposed to wash his stomach with a solution from hospital. He cannot find the solution. It is in blue vials which I have never seen. He says he put them on a counter in our kitchen, so where are they?

He says it is my fault for cleaning up. But, I never would move something that looks "medical" from the counter or anywhere. I tried to help him look for them with no good results.

Obviously, to me, this problem can be solved by calling the hospital in the morning and saying "I cannot find my disinfecting solution, what should I do?” Maybe they will ask him to come early and be disinfected, maybe they will reschedule. It’s ok either way.

But, he won't see it that way. He is obviously in distress. I don't know what I should do.

So, I know I'm not in charge of fixing this. I will let him know I understand his frustration. That's all I can offer.

What bothers me is that I am being blamed for this. That is demoralizing for me. But, it’s out of my control. I can only observe. And know I am not to be blamed.

This has happened before--I think I understand it but I do not. He has dumped on me in the past when he was using drugs and I internalized it. Thinking the drugs were gone, I didn't see this as a repeat. I do now.

He is a drug addict. I can't change that. Only he can and I do not see that happening.

So, I need to define when I cannot stay anymore. And, that is hard. I need to look at that. I also need to be more independent. That is my job now.

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May 20, 2020
One More Suggestion
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for submitting your story here.

I agree with everything you said. It sounds like you're thinking clearly even though your situation is very difficult.

You might find this article on letting go of a relationship to be helpful.

My one suggestion is that you tell him exactly how you feel...if you haven't already done so.

And even if you have told him, make sure he knows that his continued blaming you for things that are not your fault is totally unacceptable to you.

Your marriage is important, and yet your own mental and emotional well-being are even more important.

As you feel you're approaching the end of your tolerance, and considering ending the relationship, I encourage you to tell him that you are at that point.

Talk to him when you're calm and relaxed, not when you're upset. He will hear you better that way.

I wish you all the best during this very challenging time of your life.

Dr. DeFoore

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