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(Toronto, Ont. Canada)
I have an almost 21 year old, who is always angry. Most days he is very verbally abusive to both myself and also his twin sister.
He does not want to work, she steals from his own family to get money and when we confront him he denies it and gets very abusive. He gets so violent that he kicks things, punches the tables, breaks things, throws things and has physically attacked myself and his sister.
His father and I are having huge disagreements about how to handle the situation. I want him out and have thrown him out, but a couple of days later my husband brings him back and thinks that throwing him out is not the answer.
I don't want to break up my marriage over this but I cannot live like this and neither can my daughter. I'm not sure how to resolve this any more. I am afraid one day it will get out of control and a lot worse will happen than the pushing and shoving.
He tells me over and over he wishes I was dead and that I ruined his life. He insults me in the worse possible manner and language, and spends time alone in his room listening to music and drinking.
How do I get my husband and I to agree on a solution?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Teresa, and thanks for telling your story here. Your situation is very serious, as you know. And you're probably correct that things will get worse. In these types of situations, things usually do get worse until the young adult moves out on their own.
You are exactly right in wanting your son out of your home. As long as your husband supports your son living in your home while he is abusive to you and your daughter, he is condoning the abuse. You may be forced to stand your ground with him and tell him that he will have to choose to support his wife and daughter or lose them.
If your husband is open, show him #10 on the FAQ page, and especially read the page on tough love.
Believe in a positive outcome, Teresa. You can do this. Expect the best from your husband, and accept nothing less.
My very best to you,
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