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Is It Normal To Have All Of My Decisions Questioned?

by Anonymous

I recently got out of a 25 year marriage with someone I never argued with and who never argued with me. Not good because everything was swept under the rug.

We also lived parallel lives - he did his thing and I did mine. I recognize that was not a healthy relationship and that's why it ended. However now I am in a relationship with someone who says they love me but whenever we have a difference of opinion or I make a decision that I didn't first run by them to get their opinion, they yell at me.

There is no name-calling or anything; just yelling. Yelling makes me cringe...I am not a person who yells. My partner thinks it's not normal NOT to yell. When this person gets me to the point where I too am yelling, I feel sick and embarrassed.

I hate losing control. I like to discuss things without yelling. I am so confused. I don't know whether this relationship is worth the agony along with the ecstasy we share all other times.

I also want to mention that this person expects me to run all decisions by them beforehand to get their opinion because in case something negative would come from my decision. They feel it would be their responsibility to fix it and therefore they are entitled to be involved in everything. In addition, they feel I should WANT them to know everything as a partner. This is also difficult for me because I am a private person and for 25 years I did whatever I wanted. So, what is normal in a relationship? I just can't stand being yelled at.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. You sound like a very intelligent person, who wants good things in your life. It is healthy to not like yelling. Yelling is not a good form of communication. But that is not my greatest concern about your current relationship.

Running all of your decisions by your partner before you act on them is potentially very damaging to you, on many different levels. It will cause you to doubt yourself, and ultimately could interfere with your ability to think clearly and make good decisions--which will reinforce the illusion that your partner is right, and you need to run everything by them.

If your partner is not willing to get into counseling with you and work on this, I strongly encourage you to re-think the relationship and ask yourself if it's worth the price you're paying. Not knowing any more than you've told here, it sounds like the price is too high. Take a look at these quotes on relationships and see if there is anything useful for you there.

Put yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself and your best interest, no one will--regardless of what they may say.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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