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Is It Me?

by Tammy
(California )

I am not married. I have been with my boyfriend 8yrs, been living with him now 4yrs. I have a 9yr old daughter and our 4yr old son. I work full time 8+ hrs every day, and he stays home with the kids.

He cooks and cleans. He is also diabetic and I normally blame this disease for his outburst against me. I understand he's had a hard life and has a lot of anger inside. He gets really angry at me and calls me lazy, nasty and selfish, mostly for not cleaning up sometimes. Like if I leave a cup in the living room.

He called me a fat ass bitch 1 time - because he was going into one of his rants and I walked away. He came after me yelling at me about how I don't anything around the house and how I don't even spend time with my kids. When he goes into his rants he yells and throws out how I don't do this or that and all I do is stay quiet (I never say a word).

His words hurt me and I cry. Then he attacks me for not saying anything and gets mad that all I do is cry. He has never raised his hand. But his yelling hurts just as much...maybe even more, especially when he talks about wanting to die just so that I can see what he does now.

He also says he wants to leave (how he'd rather live in the streets) and that he hates being here how his whole life's never been good and how I don't make it any better. That is what hurts me the most. During his rants he does not call me a b**** or offensive names but he says things like this.

He lost his mom 2yrs ago to cancer and he tells me how she is the only person who showed him she cared and how he wishes he'd just die already to make my life better because I won't have to hear him anymore and so I don't have to financially support him. I feel worthless even when I'm the one who provides for my family. I am very successful at work but a complete failure at home.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Tammy, and thanks for telling your story here. You have described your situation very well. It is clear that even though you're not being physically abused, you are definitely being abused.

I strongly recommend that you read and follow the guidelines on the following pages, written specifically for people in your situation:

battered wife syndrome
letting go of a relationship

At some point, Tammy, you will have to decide to provide a good life for yourself. No one can do that but you. Make up your mind that you will not stay in any relationship where you are not treated with kindness and respect.

You are worthy of kindness and respect. Believe in yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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