I'm An Angry Parent And An Angry Wife But I Don't Get Angry At Work
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to have the perfect family. An easy going child, marriage working perfectly, no stress and happiness - so basically a fantasy. Let me say I have no patience and as I have gotten older it has gotten worse.
But here is the thing, I have patience at work. I smile, laugh, joke and when I get home my happiness and joy is out the window. I have a wonderful husband - who loves me and has had some minor indiscretions but nothing too serious - and of course he does things I cannot stand -smoking for instance and not taking care of his diabetes.
My son is 9 and has been classified as "ADHD," like most kids it seems these days. I am tough on him and I find that when I talk to my family I come off mean and bitchy and cruel. Sometimes not even my intention. My son has been effected by this - he is anxious when he does something wrong because for the past 6 years that is all I have done was yell at him.
I feel like I do for others but no one does for me. I feel unattractive - I am in a sexless marriage - 1x month. I don't do anything for myself, clothes, hair, etc. I never splurge, I am up and down in my weight. I don't even think my family likes me at this point.
I know I am probably going to lose my husband and my son when he is old enough to leave. They both tell me they love me very much but deep down I feel like I am hated and people walk on eggshells around me. Some days I wake up and I don't want to speak because I seem so miserable or the mornings are going so well and the reason they are is that I have not said anything to anyone.
I cry almost every day because I cannot remember the last time I was not angry. There are pieces of my childhood I don't remember. I'm scared, I'm angry and some days I just think it would be better if I didn't exist or if my husband and son belonged with another wife or mother who would treat them better.
I do anything for my family - I am not a selfish person, I am just an angry person. I am sitting here writing this online and I have not spoken a word for almost two hours and I hear laughter and joy in the background. I'm glad. The sad thing is I don't know what makes me happy--I know what makes me angry though. Pathetic.
I don't know how to have fun anymore. I can't remember the last time I did something for pure fun, no purpose, just fun. I'm gaining weight by the second and I am mad about it. I am mad that I don't really have any friends I open up to or discuss this with. Not my parents, not my husband - I wish he could tame the beast.
All I know all I hope for is that my husband does not leave me because of lack of sex and this nasty attitude and no patience and that my son does not grow up to hate his mother. At work though you would never know how much I suffer because I play it off well. Go figure. I always crave for romance but who wants to be romantic when you are bitching all the time?
It's to a point where my husband just is quiet and walks away. My son cries and I feel like crap for weeks. Some days I wonder how I can crawl out of bed. Sad part is this is the first day of my vacation and I still can't relax and enjoy. Go figure. Thanks for listening or reading. I don't do this often.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Terell, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm really glad you told your story here. I have a strong feeling that you will be able to improve your situation and heal your anger. It won't be easy, but if you are willing to do the work, you will get good results--and improve your relationships with your husband and son.
I will recommend several things. Ideally, you will do them all, but if you pick and choose, I encourage you to at least follow two or three of the recommendations. Some of these are do-it-yourself techniques that you can do on your own at home--if the emotion that comes up is too intense for you to process, you may want to seek out other resources, which I will mention below.
Start by reading the answers to the first question on our FAQ page. That outlines a process for emotional healing and anger management that is highly effective, if you do it.
Believe in the goodness in your heart, Terell--that's where that vision of a perfect family comes from. The good person you are at work is a more accurate reflection of your true nature than the unhappy person you are at home. The anger that is coming out in your home is most likely a result of unresolved childhood trauma, and it is not who you really are--although you are still totally responsible for it. When you're doing the "trauma writing" exercise (FAQ page), that should help you to remember what happened in your childhood that you have blocked out. Depending on the severity of the trauma, you may need additional support, which is why I mentioned the counseling and classes.
You can do this.
My very best to you,