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I'm An Angry Parent And An Angry Wife But I Don't Get Angry At Work

by Terell

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to have the perfect family. An easy going child, marriage working perfectly, no stress and happiness - so basically a fantasy. Let me say I have no patience and as I have gotten older it has gotten worse.

But here is the thing, I have patience at work. I smile, laugh, joke and when I get home my happiness and joy is out the window. I have a wonderful husband - who loves me and has had some minor indiscretions but nothing too serious - and of course he does things I cannot stand -smoking for instance and not taking care of his diabetes.

My son is 9 and has been classified as "ADHD," like most kids it seems these days. I am tough on him and I find that when I talk to my family I come off mean and bitchy and cruel. Sometimes not even my intention. My son has been effected by this - he is anxious when he does something wrong because for the past 6 years that is all I have done was yell at him.

I feel like I do for others but no one does for me. I feel unattractive - I am in a sexless marriage - 1x month. I don't do anything for myself, clothes, hair, etc. I never splurge, I am up and down in my weight. I don't even think my family likes me at this point.

I know I am probably going to lose my husband and my son when he is old enough to leave. They both tell me they love me very much but deep down I feel like I am hated and people walk on eggshells around me. Some days I wake up and I don't want to speak because I seem so miserable or the mornings are going so well and the reason they are is that I have not said anything to anyone.

I cry almost every day because I cannot remember the last time I was not angry. There are pieces of my childhood I don't remember. I'm scared, I'm angry and some days I just think it would be better if I didn't exist or if my husband and son belonged with another wife or mother who would treat them better.

I do anything for my family - I am not a selfish person, I am just an angry person. I am sitting here writing this online and I have not spoken a word for almost two hours and I hear laughter and joy in the background. I'm glad. The sad thing is I don't know what makes me happy--I know what makes me angry though. Pathetic.

I don't know how to have fun anymore. I can't remember the last time I did something for pure fun, no purpose, just fun. I'm gaining weight by the second and I am mad about it. I am mad that I don't really have any friends I open up to or discuss this with. Not my parents, not my husband - I wish he could tame the beast.

All I know all I hope for is that my husband does not leave me because of lack of sex and this nasty attitude and no patience and that my son does not grow up to hate his mother. At work though you would never know how much I suffer because I play it off well. Go figure. I always crave for romance but who wants to be romantic when you are bitching all the time?

It's to a point where my husband just is quiet and walks away. My son cries and I feel like crap for weeks. Some days I wonder how I can crawl out of bed. Sad part is this is the first day of my vacation and I still can't relax and enjoy. Go figure. Thanks for listening or reading. I don't do this often.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Terell, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm really glad you told your story here. I have a strong feeling that you will be able to improve your situation and heal your anger. It won't be easy, but if you are willing to do the work, you will get good results--and improve your relationships with your husband and son.

I will recommend several things. Ideally, you will do them all, but if you pick and choose, I encourage you to at least follow two or three of the recommendations. Some of these are do-it-yourself techniques that you can do on your own at home--if the emotion that comes up is too intense for you to process, you may want to seek out other resources, which I will mention below.

Start by reading the answers to the first question on our FAQ page. That outlines a process for emotional healing and anger management that is highly effective, if you do it.

Believe in the goodness in your heart, Terell--that's where that vision of a perfect family comes from. The good person you are at work is a more accurate reflection of your true nature than the unhappy person you are at home. The anger that is coming out in your home is most likely a result of unresolved childhood trauma, and it is not who you really are--although you are still totally responsible for it. When you're doing the "trauma writing" exercise (FAQ page), that should help you to remember what happened in your childhood that you have blocked out. Depending on the severity of the trauma, you may need additional support, which is why I mentioned the counseling and classes.

You can do this.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Comments for I'm An Angry Parent And An Angry Wife But I Don't Get Angry At Work

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Aug 25, 2021
To author of "I'm Losing My Wife..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi, and thanks for commenting. Clearly you don't want to be the way you are with your family. I assure you it's not just your job. Every corrections officer does not abuse their family, as I'm sure you know.

I highly recommend that you get some help, and find out some of the root causes of your anger, and begin your healing process.

You can start by reading this article and following the guidelines you find there.

I wish you all the best while you strive to be the good man, husband and father you want to be.

Dr. DeFoore

Aug 08, 2021
I'm Losing My Wife And Kids Because Of My Anger
by: Anonymous

You described everything that I feel daily. I'm happy at work even though I have a miserable job. I am a Corrections Officer and this job has taught me to snap at every little thing because if I don't it will escalate.

So at home it's programmed into me to be a psycho. As soon as I get home it's like a fog comes over me and everything irritates me. I'm rude, mean, aggressive and belittling to my wife and kids and I don't know how to stop it.

My wife told me yesterday she wants to leave me because of it.

Aug 31, 2017
I Had Similar Problems And Found A Solution
by: Anonymous

You describe me to a T. My son is very hyper and drives me crazy. I do have fun days with my family but they are only outdoors and I mean outdoors in the fresh air.

I cannot cope with any kind of shopping with other people with me, more so my children. The sensory overload turns me into a raging lunatic and I've always felt disappointment in myself.

I work so hard, I always go the extra mile and am totally selfless. I cannot say no, pile on too much pressure on myself for guilt and fear of displeasing people but I'm not nice at home. I find waking up hard and if I am woken by an alarm, noise, touch etc. I am horribly miserable. As soon as I enter my home I'm either silent, or shouting, unless I have visitors of course.

I was looking into ADHD for my son and stumbled across symptoms that seemed familiar and personal to me, I then looked up adult ADHD and it was a lightbulb moment, and since then I've been on a path of enlightenment.

I am now medicated and life is finally normal (ish). It's the best thing I've ever done for myself and my family. I can now talk reasonably with my son and he doesn't overreact to my overreactions. I'm not frustrated all the time for no real apparent reason.

If you haven't already, please look into it for yourself.

Aug 24, 2017
You Have Choices - Become The Good Person You Want To Be
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for sharing your comment here.

You don't have to accept things as they are. You can improve.

I have devoted an entire article to helping angry mothers, which you can read here. Read and follow all of the guidance on that page.

There is a reason for your anger, and you can get to the bottom of it and solve it once and for all

The reason you hate the way you are with your family is that you are truly a good person inside. Follow my recommendations here, and you can access and become that good person all of the time.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Aug 23, 2017
I Feel The Same Way
by: Anonymous

Reading this made me cry cause I am the same way, I have 3 kids, 16, 12 and 6 years old. My 12 year old also has ADHD.

My husband has issues of his own, but I am never happy at home, as much as they try to make me happy.

I just can't help it ...I am a bitch ... and like you said when I'm at work I'm a different person. I know I am this way and I hate it.

I often come home from work and go right to the bedroom and lock myself in so I don't have to talk to anyone.

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