I'm A Good Woman But An Angry Mom
I had a troubled childhood with a very abusive father who abused me, my sister, and my mom emotionally, verbally, and physically. I was a very angry person as a child - but my anger was almost always focused on my family.
I rarely got into visible altercations with outsiders. I always knew that deep inside I am a very loving and empathetic person. So, I tried very hard to control my anger towards my family, but to no avail.
When I got married and had children, I changed the focus of my anger to my new family. In the beginning, I was unstoppable in my rage. It used to happen much more frequently and last much longer. I still did not get angry at anyone else but my own family.
Eventually I could reach a point that my rage against my husband was significantly reduced. It happened very rarely if ever. But my anger at my children continues. I keep getting snappy at them every few days and sometimes I even lash out and smack them.
They are so scared of me when I do that. The other day I verbally lashed out at my daughter so bad that I reminded myself of my dad.
I hate myself for hurting my poor babies. I do not want to scream and shout at them. I know that rage never serves any purpose - I am a living example of that. And yet, I keep repeating the same pattern. I think about it so much and promise myself that I will never scream or hit them again.
But, when they do something really annoying or if I am tired, sleepy, stressed, busy or anything but in complete control of my senses, I lash out very violently at them. We are such a loving family and my kids love me so very much. I am afraid I will lose their love and respect forever if I keep up what I am doing!
I am hurting the very people I love most and swore to protect. Please help me!
- Desperate mother