I'd Rather Be Dead Than Emotionally Hurting My Children
So I have been married for 11 years. We waited 6 years to have our first born, and had a second one after two more years.
My son, 5, is really smart, but he's always had a strong personality. I started getting frustrated with his behavior, ever since he was two. After my daughter was born, he never seemed to accept her. They play and stuff, but it has to be on his terms.
She is very stubborn as well, and often goes after him to annoy him, and then he snaps! Then I yell, and get angry and say things that I really regret saying afterwards. My husband only listens, and I guess does not care because he is the same way.
As a matter of fact, his attitude towards the kids is not very friendly. He loves them, but will not show affection very often. When they want to approach him, there's always this "wall" he puts in front of him, and only limits himself to answer then in few words with a "stop asking questions" kind of tone.
This adds to my frustration, and I feel like I have to be the one in charge, so every time kids are fighting I have to break it up. This year, there was a surprise added to our family, so there will be a third child, and this has aggravated the frustration in my family.
My temper is even shorter, and my anger hits the roof every day. I really don't know what to do. I hate to see my son's suffering when I'm yelling at him. I often have talks afterwards, but I'm afraid they are worthless.
I sometimes think that if I wasn't in their lives they would be better off, but I'm still around, making the same mistakes over, and over again.
Can I be cured?