I Just Want To Be Happy And A Good Person
I'm 28, married to an amazing man who I adore, and we have a 2 year old son who is our world. I try so hard to always do everything right and I'm pretty sure that's my whole stress and anger problem.
Most of the time I am fairly easygoing, I take my son to the park for hours and play with him, like to have a good dinner ready for my husband when he gets home from work and make an effort to catch up with friends on a regular basis.
I feed us whole organic foods and try to look after our physical health by having a chemical free household and using natural medicines. I also do lots of child psychology reading as it's important for me to know how to deal with my son's anger and tantrums. I know from my reading that anger itself is a normal and healthy emotion and when he gets angry I stay close to him and make sure he knows he is loved even when angry until he feels better.
The problem is not him though. It is me. I find myself being a very jealous person despite not wanting to be. I always want to do nice things for people but I often wonder whether it's because I'm really a nice person or whether I just want to look good. I mean, I know I am a good person because I also do nice things that nobody else sees but I guess I just have this craving for love and attention so I find myself becoming jealous of other people sometimes.
I want everyone to be my best friend and like me best but I honestly wish I just didn't care. I also get a lot of criticism for how I parent and my life choices because I do things differently to everyone else. I wish I had the confidence in my decisions to not mind what people think but can't seem to help it. I'm always imagining in my head what other people are saying about me and assuming they think I'm nuts and doing the wrong thing all the time.
I also find myself judging them for their decisions behind their backs, often commenting to my partner about how I think they are doing this or that wrong. To their faces I don't say anything or even stand up for myself but I'm do critical behind their backs and I hate myself for it. These are people I love and are my friends but I'm not sure how to stand up for myself. I think that once I can do that I won't feel the need to be critical of them anymore.
Going back to my family, I have maybe 1 or 2 days a month where I just blow up and go nuts. I scare myself by throwing things, kicking things, screaming and have even (much to my disgust) hit and pushed my baby boy. Not enough to hurt him physically but enough to make him really scared of me.
I hate myself so much when I am like this and I just feel like everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I have no idea whether I have depression or just anger and stress issues but either way I know I need help. I talk down to my poor husband all the time and then feel so awful because he is so good to me.
My Dad had the same problem when we were growing up and he never got help. We were always so scared of him even though he could be fine for months we were always waiting for the explosion to come. Please let me know what I need to do to stop feeling this way. I love my family and friends so much and they deserve better. And I just truly want to be happy and at peace with who I am. Thanks.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Lauren, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell you're a very good person, and it's clear that you're having a hard time. I will try to help.
I'm going to recommend three courses of action for you:
1) A way of healing emotionally and establishing a more loving relationship with yourself
2) Methods for healing and managing your anger
3) Techniques for letting go of your parents and their influence on you
First, I think you are a good candidate for learning about nurturing your inner child.
Second, you will find a very thorough and effective approach to healing and managing your anger on this FAQ page. Follow all of the steps in detail, and you will get some excellent relief from the stress you're feeling.
Third, you will find a process for letting go of your parents on #9 on our FAQ page. This is not always an easy process, but you can do it.
Most important of all, Lauren, is for you to believe in yourself and the goodness of your heart. The connection you are seeking by being liked by others, and being a good wife and mother is first and foremost a connection with yourself--your good inner nature. These processes I've recommended will help you with that.
You can do this. And you're going to feel a lot better.
My very best to you,