I Just Don't Know What To Do Any More
(Scottsdale, Arizona, United States)
My story probably isn't the worst I could have gone through. I know it isn't. But I still went and am still going through a lot of pain.
My parents got a divorce long before I remember, and I've technically grown up to split families. My dad got remarried when I was about five years old, and my mom got remarried when I was ten.
A few years ago, my dad got a job promotion and he was asked to move to Utah. I wanted to go with him, because at the time I put my dad before anyone else. My mom didn't want me to go though, she thought it would be best if I stayed with her. So my parents went through this whole court thing about it and considering my dad had better chances of winning, my mom decided to let me go.
About a year after being there, everything went downhill for me. Let me start off with my dad. I watch movies and tv shows and see the relationship the daughter and father have. I don't have that with my father. He doesn't abuse me or anything, and I know he loves me. But I guess you can say I kind of feel neglected.
Ever since I was little, I would always put him first. Above everyone. Little things like if what he made for dinner that night didn't really taste good for me, I would still tell him that I liked it because for some reason, I felt like that would hurt his feelings. Ever since my step mom came into the picture, his personality has become kind of hard, if that makes sense.
My step mom's manipulative and verbally abusive. It's like she can get inside your mind and make you believe things that aren't true. She's a mean and nasty person. On the outside though, she puts off this fake exterior and everyone thinks she's the nicest person in the world. But in reality, she's not. And my dad never saw some of the things she said to me. And what she did say in front of him, he was immune to.
A few times, when she would call me stupid in front of him, he would back me up. But not all the time. They're "Christians" and we were very involved in church when I lived there. They were extremely strict about things. But it wasn't just that. I feel like they tried to mold me into something of their choosing, they wouldn't let me be me. I had to watch everything I said, everything I did. If I said one thing wrong, boom there goes a lecture on how I'm not supposed to do that or don't act like that.
If I was happy, my dad said be calm. You don't need to be so happy. I rebelled against them. I didn't do my chores because I had to do so much, I thought they were pointless. They made me wake up at 4:15 every morning to do my chores. And if I vacuumed wrong, like if the lines left over from vacuuming weren't facing straight, I had to do it all over again and then I was grounded.
For a whole year straight I couldn't hang out with my friends. The only way I could was if I told them we had a project to do or I had something to do after school. I had to lie because I wasn't allowed to have a life. I lived a double life at school. It was the only place I loved to go, because I didn't have to pretend.
But then I started to like this guy. And I discovered the only way to get him to like me was if I acted like a whore and started to like the same music he did, the same stuff he did. So instead of being myself at school, I changed myself and started to act more like him, I forced myself to like the same music he did and the same stuff he was interested in.
I became two different people, the girl that my parents wanted me to be, and the girl my boyfriend would like. I fell really hard for him and I would have done anything for him. But he didn't care less, he just wanted to hook up with me. And he almost did.
Losing myself made me depressed. Living in that environment made me feel things I should never feel at this age. Things I can't explain. I started cutting myself. There was one time I remember sitting on a chair down stairs, feeling so much pain that it was overwhelming. I would never kill myself because I'm too weak to do that, but sitting on that chair I was sobbing and pleading that God would literally just take me.
Almost a year ago, I told my step sister all the bad things I did with my boyfriend and she went and told my dad and his wife. They kicked me out, and so I went back to live with my mom. But see when my step sister told my dad this, I was visiting my mom at the time while they were visiting my step sister. Instead of coming back to get me on there way home, they left me here and my dad flew out with all my clothes and asked me to meet him at the airport and get them.
I was in so much pain after that.
Anyways, I started to adjust to living here with my mom, and I was starting to feel relieved because all of that was behind me. My mom let me be myself and I felt like I was starting to know who I was again. But then another boy came along. Once again, I used my body and acted like a whore to get him. But this time, he's not my "boyfriend", we're "friends with benefits," I guess. I told him that I'm just hooking up with him for the heck of it, and he's doing the same. But as much as I hate to admit it, it's so much more than that for me. When we're, you know, hooking up, I feel connected to him in a way. I don't know what it is about him, but once again I'm doing anything possible for him. It's like what happened in Utah all over again, only this time worse because I actually did it with him.
He doesn't care though. I'm his last resort, and that's how it is with everyone. With my dad, my step mom, my sister, my friends, the boy in Utah, the boy here. I don't understand why I'm always second best. Why is it that so badly, I just want for someone to put me first. Just once. I'm not trying to be selfish, but I just want that so bad. I don't understand why I keep finding friends that betray me, and boys that just want to hook up for me. And as much as I want to stop, I feel like I can't.
I want to so bad to just back away and stop what I'm doing with him, but I feel like I can't. I literally can't, I'm way too weak. I was like that in Utah too. I knew I needed to be here in Arizona with my mom, but I was too weak to do that because I didn't want to leave my brother and I didn't want to hurt my dad.
But anyways, back to this boy. I'm like obsessed with him. I go on his Facebook page almost every time I log on. It's disgusting to me. I feel like it's an addiction or something. I can't stop. And when I'm not with him, I feel low and like I need it. I'm so weak emotionally that I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel so empty and lost and no one knows. It may not be the worst thing I could go through, but it still hurts so badly. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I need therapy but I can't tell my parents because they will just say I'm just going through teenage hormones. But honestly, I feel like it's so much more than that.
You wanna know what the problem is? I'm only 14 years old. Something's emotionally wrong with me, I know this. I get attached so easily. And when it's broken off, it feels like it's the end of the world. I'm not exaggerating, this is how I feel and I don't know what to do. I feel so angry all the time, and I'm starting to get even angrier at smaller things. I'm hurt and angry and I think something's wrong with me. Please help, I don't know what else to do. Please.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Megan, and thanks for telling your story here. You may be only 14 years old, but I can tell you're very bright. Your story required very little editing, which I greatly appreciate. And you express yourself very clearly.
I want you to consider the possibility that as bad as you feel, and as unhappy as you are with your anger, there really is nothing wrong with you. Your anger is there for a reason, maybe a lot of reasons. The kind of personal history you describe can certainly cause a lot of anger.
You do not honor yourself in your relationships, because you have not been honored in your life of 14 years. That needs to change. You need to begin honoring and respecting yourself in how you are in relationships, or these painful patterns you describe will only continue or get worse. The obsession you feel toward your boyfriend comes from a pain and hunger inside you that has nothing at all to do with your boyfriend, or any boy for that matter.
I am going to recommend some exercises and resources that you can use if you want to feel better and form healthier relationships in the future. I think you will follow through with this, Megan, because I think you're too smart to just leave things the way they are.
Check out this audio program on nurturing your inner child. It's never too soon to start learning to love yourself, and that will serve you well for the rest of your life.
For your anger, I suggest you do the exercises you will find on this FAQ page. Be sure and take each step seriously, and you will get good results.
Believe in yourself, Megan. Focus on the very best of who you are inside...that is your true, authentic nature.
You can do this. You are worthy of a good, fulfilling and happy life.
My very best to you,
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