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Okay, so my story is really crazy. I met my boyfriend through Myspace. We talked on the phone for a couple of months and hung out as friends for like one month until we starting dating. We started dating when I was 15. Now I'm 19 and he is 21. So we always had problems in our relationship.
My parents didn't like him, which made it impossible for us to be together but either way we would manage.
The first year he cheated on me 3 times. Twice with the same girl. It was really hard to forgive him but he tried really hard to gain my trust back so now cheating has never become a problem.
Around the second year and a half, we split up because he went to California for a couple of months. At that time our relationship was having a lot of problems. We were constantly fighting and breaking up and getting back together. So when he left, one week later I got another boyfriend.
I thought I was happy but when he got back from California we started talking again, and I fell in love with him all over again. I left my boyfriend for him.
However now our fights have become worse than before. We fight almost every day, about anything really. We ever argue about things that could happen in the future. Like crazy.
And now when we fight he insults me a lot and is very rude. Like horrible comments, calling me a lesbian because I hang out too much with my friends. Or calling me a b**** or telling me I'm dumb or crazy or that I dress like a whore. Horrible things.
I can't insult him back because I never really feel like doing so. But usually I explode and I end up hitting him across the chest or face. I don't hit him in every argument. Usually it's when I feel like I'm going insane after hearing him call me names and all that. So now this has become a problem.
When we try to fix things, what usually happens is he'll say something I disagree with so I tell him it's not true. So he'll get annoyed and start arguing or me to him. Sometimes I can't even sit normally to listen to him because I feel like crying, screaming and hitting him all at the same time.
Also his ways of sometimes fixing things are by making me take all the blame and apologizing and calling myself a bitch and all that. So now I don't know what to do. I mean we are crazy for each other when I'm not with him I feel so sad and I miss him so much and all our good times and I just love him like so much.
And he is the same, but we can't stand each other. When we disagree on something he usually starts arguing and bringing stuff from the past or cursing and insulting me, resulting in me going insane and losing it and actually hitting him.
I don't know what to do anymore. We've been together for 4 years. But now, I don't know how to be happy with him again, and make him respect me and me control my anger and also him trusting me and controlling his anger.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. You are apparently a good person, caught in a very destructive relationship.
What you describe is often seen as a "love-hate" relationship. That never turns out good. It is a kind of relationship addiction, and it can be very hard to get out, as you know. It is important that you try, however, for your sake and his.
Take a look at this page on how to deal with abusive relationships. It will help you decided what to do and how to do it.
Also take a look at these quotes on relationships, and see what might be useful for you there.
The journaling techniques on this page might also be helpful to you, but only if you are motivated enough to use them.
You have to really want to be healthy--more than you want to be with him. You have to love yourself more than you love him.
And believe in yourself and the goodness inside you.
My very best to you,
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