I Have Lost The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me
I have since the age of 10 or 11 been aware that my anger and recklessness has caused me issues with my family, friends and partners. This is pretty scary to actually think about in the grand scheme of things considering I’m only 21.
I would be lying to myself if I said that I can control my emotions, whether it be anger, happiness, or sadness. Whatever I feel at the time shows on my face.
This in itself has caused problems. The older I get, the more I start to realize that most people I interact with either annoy me or do or say something which leads me to spend hours mentally ripping them to pieces.
The weird thing is, that most of my anger issues are triggered over the smallest things/incidences. For example, I would mentally lose it if someone said I was wrong about a fact I mentioned in a conversation even though I know I’m right, or over someone insulting my family.
Alcohol has also played a part in some cases, with most outbursts being fueled by something or someone doing something small. This has led me to take my anger out on the person(s) I have called to help try calm me down, mostly my mum and ex-girlfriend.
Now I know for a fact that when I drink I don’t instantly become angry for no reason. Like I said previously, if everything is good, then I’m good. If something has happened that pushes my buttons, then you’re facing the devil in full form.
The last paragraph especially has caused me to lose my girlfriend/ best friend who I’ve known for some 10 years now. In regards to our relationship, it was good in general. We went out, chilled with each other on a regular basis, and talked for hours on end on the phone.
On three occasions I have called while I was drunk, because something or someone pissed me off. Instead of just talking to her and appreciating her time, I completely let rip, to the point where I’ve almost had her in tears.
Now this was the case a week ago, when I was out drinking with my mates and decided to pop to the pub where she was to say hello. Clearly she was a bit surprised by my random appearance. However at the time I thought she was being moody at me, so I just left after 10 minutes. What happened next, I think will stay with me until I die.
In my anger I called her and basically verbally destroyed her. Every little issue we had as a couple came out in a tidal wave of hateful comments. What I said exactly I can’t remember and I don’t want to, either.
However two days later she called me to say she wanted to chat. We met up at my place, and after about an hour of broken conversation she told me that what I said to her was unforgivable, and that I made her feel like utter shit and all trust had been broken and that we are now over.
Now am I surprised about the outcome? No. However the shame and pain I’m feeling right now is unbearable. I’m furious at myself for losing her, for losing my cool, for what I said and how I said it.
And I’m angry about the fact that every time I lose it I always say to myself “You need to sort your anger out, Josh!” but I never do. And it has now come to the point that if I don’t sort it out now I could very well destroy everything I have worked so hard to get.