I Have Been Intentionally Harming My Beloved Family Members
Well, it didn't cause any blood, but just simple violent actions like deliberately gripping my son's finger tightly or throwing him on the couch. And, he is just 3 years old.
I feel guilty immediately after my violent outbursts but I can't seem to control myself. I scream like a mad person and I know it's bad influence on my children because I see them mirroring my behaviour.
As I read about signs of uncontrolled anger, I realized that this seed of anger has been slowly growing in me since years ago. I've been snapping at strangers, scolding sales people and waiters, and writing endless complaint letters. Everything just makes me so angry.
I've been so affected by anger that a simple angry encounter with bad service for example, can make my palms sweat, make my entire body shiver, and invade my brain with repeated thoughts of the incident for the next few days.
My husband just heard me screaming on my kids over the phone, and he told me I am definitely getting out of control. I know it too. I just punched him a few days ago.
I don't know why I am a violent person. My parents are very mild people. Since young, I've just felt like I want to beat up people who cross my limit. I don't like to quarrel because I don't know how to. I usually keep quiet until I get violent.
Right now, I think I am getting uncontrollable because I am simply too stressed out. Financial issues and facing 2 young hyperactive kids alone at home has driven me out of control. I never did housework when I was young. My peers are all educated and having a career. This life that I am so not suited for is driving me nuts, yet I'm hanging on because I think I want to spend quality time with the kids... which is not at all happening.
I just Googled on anger management and I think meditation helps. A 3 hour seminar costs like US$800. Crazy. I know I need help and I will change.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. Congratulations to you for taking responsibility for your anger and your behavior. I want you to consider that you have good reasons for your anger, even though you don't know what they are. You are a good person inside, which is why you're reaching out for help. You want better for yourself and your family.
By the way, $800 is a lot to pay for a meditation program. I have an audio CD available for download, called Meditation, Emotion And Healing that I think you will find very helpful.
I also highly recommend that you follow all of the steps described on this page, which will guide you through the self healing process you need.
I have a strong feeling that you are going to heal, and start treating your children (and everyone else) with kindness and respect.
One of the things that causes good people like you to be mean and short-tempered with others is a wounded aspect of yourself that you have never healed or addressed.
You can do this. Believe in yourself.
My very best to you,