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Okay. So I guess I should sum up the problems of a relationship I was in 3 years ago. My ex lied to me every day for a year about numerous things. He had a double life and another girlfriend I ended up finding out about. He was in and out of rehab.
But the thing is, when he lied and cheated and manipulated me...I was so young and naive that I had believed everything he said and even believed his excuses for cheating up until I found out he was dating this girl and then I broke up with him for good.
Now I'm in a new relationship and we've been together for a year now and am head over heels in love and I know he's the one. But my trust has been broken due to him lying about a couple of things and now I feel like my last relationship and I KNOW my boyfriend now is not like my ex in anyway.
But him lying has raised many questions and paranoia. We have fought every single day for the last 6 months and my anger is out of control. It's so out of control that I wouldn't blame him for breaking up with me. But I feel so deceived and disappointed that I turn it into anger towards him to sort of protect me.
I hate getting angry and forgiving him. I feel if I don't get so angry then my guard is let down and I feel if I forgive him then I've unwillingly swallowed my pride and I almost feel more hurt in a way and then I end up blowing up the next day.
My thoughts are out of control and I question and manipulate the things he says to me and twist it and end up hurting myself because of it...I know deep deep down...somewhere deep down he's not this person I have made up in my head.
He's the complete opposite. He's loving, caring, honest...even though he did lie. But he came clean about it. He's an overall good guy and everybody who knows him knows this.
Please help me to see this in him.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I like the clarity of your expression, and of your question. You seem very clear that you are projecting onto him because of your past experience. The good thing is that you're aware of it. Everyone projects onto their partners, but change can only happen when you're aware of it. So, you're in a good place to begin your change process.
You will find some very powerful and helpful tools described on this FAQ page. Like any tools, the more you use them the better they will work for you. Also, like any tools, they don't work if you don't use them.
In addition, I encourage you to read the following page on relationships:
Make up your mind that you are going to raise your self worth and self love to a level where you can receive the love and goodness that is coming your way. You can do this.
My very best to you,
P.S. If you found this to be helpful, please consider making a donation to this site to support our mission to help you become your own best anger management resource.
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