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I know I have slight anger always. But it is well shown in my relationship with my girlfriend. We are in a long distance relationship. Usually I will be angry with her when she is not obeying me.
She does this only at times and not regularly. Let me frankly tell you that I am a little possessive about her. So when she talks more often with boys I will feel irritated. She calls me and says that they had a good time and all. So I have warned her to have only professional relationship with boys. But sometimes I feel that she is having personal relationship with the boys.
Maybe my interpretations are wrong. But I just want her to have professional relations with boys. She used to call me and tell me things about boys in her class. Sometimes I will feel jealous and at last I may burst out. So I would like to control my anger in that sense. Please give me a solution for this problem.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Rahul, and thank you for telling your story on this site. It is clear that you want to manage your anger better in your relationship, and that is good.
I want to start by saying that you are an Indian man, asking a North American man a relationship question. We come from very different cultural backgrounds. I am saying this because I know that some of what I have to say might not match up with your views or values.
I speak as a human being and a professional with 37 years of experience, when I say:
1) If you are successful in getting your girlfriend to obey you, you will both lose. If that happens, she will be less than a whole person, and you will lose respect for her. If obedience is something that you require, you need to be prepared to be disappointed in your relationship.
2) What you want to strive for in your relationship is mutual respect and compatibility in the areas of emotion, sexuality, social functioning and family relationships.
3) Possessiveness is a symptom of insecurity. When you feel secure within yourself, you will not be worried about what she does with other boys. Keep in mind that no one can be happy with a girlfriend who flirts with other boys. But, as you said, your interpretations may be wrong. I suggest you talk to her about your feelings, and ask her if she is loyal to you. If she says that she is loyal, I suggest you trust her until she proves otherwise.
Also, take a look at these CDs about relationships, preview them and take advantage of our 100% guarantee. You can download them and listen immediately!
Finally, practice the anger management techniques you will find on this site on a regular basis until you feel consistently calm with your girlfriend.
Believe in yourself, and consider this a journey to re-educate yourself about relationships, as you move toward trust and respect for your girlfriend.
My very best to you,
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